Used to be.
What does that even mean? We say it all the time.
I used to be thinner.
I used to be more exciting.
I used to be popular.
I used to be the life of the party.
I used to be a more regular blogger.
I used to be different.
What does that say about us now, if our thoughts are full of used to bes? Does talking about what we used to be diminish what we have become? Do we do it because we feel inadequate in what we are now and there's some kind of unspoken requirement that we reminisce on what we used to be? If that's the case then it's sure ironic, because all you have to do is log in to Facebook and you're almost guaranteed to run into some stock photo of a beach or a sunset or a river that has some cute quote plastered on it about becoming something better every new day or something cheesy like that. And yet everyone's still so focused on what they used to be and how great they were back then that it seems to be a common struggle to accept who we are now and learn to be happy with it, even when it's not exactly who we expected to find at this point in our lives.
I used to be different, too. Pinning down exactly who and what I used to be is difficult - because here's the challenge: nobody remembers perfectly. Certain moments stand out like trees on a distant horizon, and that's really all we remember. We forget much of the detail and remember only the highlights, which allow us to tint our "used to be" picture whatever shade we want. I could say I used to be happier and more exciting and more the life of the party and provide a convincing handful of examples, or I could tell you I used to be sad and lonely and depressed and provide just as many details.
Perhaps we're fixated on what we used to be for this very reason. We can manipulate it to make us look as good or as bad as we want, and nobody's the wiser.
Maybe that's why it's so hard to accept the who we are right now. We can't paint a rosy picture for everyone around us by blurring the details, because they see them, every minute of every day. They know the real us, right here, right now.
Who are we really?
Did I used to be a nicer, happier, gentler, more content person?
Or have I only successfully convinced myself that I was, and in reality I had just as many ups and downs as I ever have?
Is there really any productive point in comparing my here and now self with the self that I used to be?
Or is that a cleverly disguised way of denying the power of the Atonement in my life by continually dragging up the past in order to cloud or brighten the present - artificially?
Maybe it would be better to forget the used to bes and simply concentrate on the here and right nows.
Here and right now I'm not the life of the party. I'm not exciting, and I'm not always happy and bubbly. I stress over things too much and let it affect my mood for days or weeks. I'm not very confident or faith-filled.
But I can sit and blow bubbles on the porch with my toddler. I teach Relief Society lessons that people claim to like and feel like I do a good job with them. I make friends with people I never expected and have random conversations that end up making a difference to people. Sometimes I make jokes that make people laugh,
Maybe that's enough, for now.
Viva la Vida.
