The Fairytale Boundary

Ever wondered where the border between fairytales and real life is?

It manifests itself in life, friendships, and relationships at the very moment when things stop being ideal and start being real.

Face it; life is real. People are human. This world isn't perfect. At some point, the perfectly timed and coordinated ideal life or relationship falls apart because something happens, or someone messes up, or by the mere fact that the people involved are human and subject to occasional error. And the fairytale falls apart.

This is the part they don't usually show in movies - and if they do, they have it all resolve and work out all perfect and beautiful, even more fairytale-like than it was before. Unfortunately, real life isn't that scripted. Sometimes people mess up and things fall apart and they don't get resolved for a while, and when they do, the patch is messy and smeared and unattractive - not the cute, perfect story you would write in your journal and draw pink hearts around.

The border between fairytales and real life is a bittersweet boundary. You can put yourself in denial and stay on one side of that line, resist crossing it, close your eyes to reality and hope that things will just stay perfect forever. But they won't, and sooner or later you'll open your eyes and realize you've been kidding yourself this whole time, and you'll probably end up with a whole lot of disillusionment and disappointment.

Or you can look at it another way. In the story of Lehi's dream, the people traveling toward the beautiful tree had to cross a mist of darkness first. It was messy. It was dark. It wasn't fun, and there were many tears shed. But those who persevered, who stuck it out, who recognized that life is messy and hard and sometimes hurts, those are the ones who reached their destination. And when they did, they were real people, full of real emotions, feelings, having experienced joy and pain, loss and love, trial and blessing. These were those who had suffered and come out greater because of it, who had learned to repent, and learned to forgive, who had learned to find joy in the journey.

"Life IS pain, Princess." said Wesley in The Princess Bride. "Anyone who tells you differently is selling something."

Like movie makers, perhaps? Those who would exploit our need for happiness, even at the cost of real life, these are those who sell us the idea that life is a fairytale, and it should be perfect, and the people in our lives should be perfect, and we should be perfect, too. No wonder divorce rates rise, depression and dissatisfaction percentages rise, suicide rates rise. We've forgotten that crossing the fairytale boundary, though painful, and sometimes more than a little scary, brings real joy, lasting joy, and changes you for the better. The kind of joy when you disagree with that loved one, and then you make up and come to better appreciate one another because of it. The kind of joy when you realize that some dreams simply won't come true, no matter what you do, but that there is much life to be lived even if they don't. The kind of joy that comes from letting go when it's time to let go, and holding on, even when you don't want to, or it's hard, or people tell you to just give up, or mock your conviction. This is the real world, the one we live in, the one that we're a part of.

The fairytale boundary is scary. It's a cross-me-at-your-own-risk sort of line. It's got warning signs that say Pain, Trials, Disappointment, and Hurt ahead. But beyond the first hills, there's something waiting. Something to become. Something to learn. Something to experience. And on the other side of the fairytale boundary is joy beyond anything the fairytale world could even hope to mimic.

And that's what they call a true happily ever after.

I'm grateful for my friends

I am so grateful for the friends I've made throughout my life. They're in all parts of the world doing all different things right now, but there's so many people who've left footprints on my heart. To them, I say thank you, for helping me become the person I am today. I wouldn't be me without you.

I love this girl more than words!

best friend. ever.

Think happy thoughts

The best thing to do when overwhelmed is to count your blessings. I am so incredibly blessed, and these are some of the things I'm feeling very grateful for right now:

• My mom. We're best friends, and I love that. I miss living at home, and it's only been three days... but still. She's the greatest, and I can tell her anything that's going on and she always listens.
  
• The scriptures. I'm working on the Book of Mormon in Spanish right now, and I love reading the word of the Lord and seeing how it gives me peace and confidence every morning.
  
• Dance. Ballet, Folk, clogging, all of it. I absolutely LOVE that I have a dance class EVERY day! It's amazing.
  
• Macaroni and cheese. Haha. Had to say it.
  
• Slippers. I hate cold floors, and my slippers are super soft. Basically I look forward to getting home so I can put them on...
• My job. Even though it's really stressful right now, I'm in my element when I'm working and getting my stuff done. It's a lot of fun and I love the people I work with!
• Letters from a best friend I love so much. I have one waiting for me at home right now :)
  
• Prayer. I would be a complete stressed-out miserable wreck right now if I didn't have the gift of being able to talk to my Heavenly Father. I love Him more than anything, and I'm incredibly grateful to Him for giving me my life, my challenges, and all the amazing blessings I have. Even when life is difficult and I can't see the future, He can, and that's enough.
  

Life is good. Viva la vida.

Time flies when you're having fun.

It also flies when you're busy.

Which, I thought to myself today, could possibly be the reason I have intentionally completely and totally overbooked myself for this semester.

I want time to fly, for various reasons which shall remain unnamed, but most of you know why I happen to be anxiously wishing it would hurry up and be June already. Enough said.

So I have therefore insured myself against drag of time and boredom. I have seven classes, one of which is Folk dance team, Monday night FHE, evening class on Tuesday and Thursday, Wednesday night Folk Dance club activities, 20 hours of work per week, and a very stiff and unyielding goal to get a 4.0 this semester. Yes people, that means A's in ALL my classes. Ironically, I think Ballet might be the hardest. I am therefore working on becoming a member of the Ballet Club on campus so I can go to help sessions on Saturdays.

Along with that, I'm applying to be a member of Sigma Delta Pi, the Spanish Honor society. I also just authorized a background check so I can be a volunteer interpreter in the Provo School District. Got to start practicing sometime, right. Oh, and did I mention that I'm frantically studying for the test I take February 17 to get into my major? And then there's my ward, I'm sure they're going to give me a calling, and probably it will take some time.

Did you hear about the missionary friends I have coming home this semester? They'll be having homecomings I'll be going to. And of course, we can't forget my goal to read the whole Book of Mormon in Spanish by July- that means a chapter a day, no fail. Add sleeping to this mix and I've got myself enough to keep me busy for several hundred semesters, only I'm doing it in one. :)

Is time going to fly? Let's just say that if it doesn't, I'll probably sue someone.

Finding Myself

It came somewhere in between Bhangra and an Israeli dance.

Hundreds of people, hands linked in a circle, spinning and stepping in rhythmic beauty.

This is where I belong.

I made a choice once. I thought I had no other alternative. I thought I needed to "move on" or "grow up." I gave up one of the things I loved the most. Because of that choice, I've traveled down a path in my life, had some amazing, wonderful experiences, learned a great deal, become who I am today.

I don't regret the choice I made. I made it wisely, the best I could. I just wonder sometimes if maybe it wasn't my only alternative. Because I've realized since that dance means more to me than nearly anything else in my life, even if I'm not "the best," even if it's just in an informal setting. I was foolish to think that I could give it up and not looked back. I've spent the last year and five months looking back and longing. I still miss clogging. More than I usually admit. I've seriously considered going back, several times. But that time in my life has passed, and going back wouldn't even be the same.

I'm dancing with the BYU International Folk Dancers now, on their lower-level teams. I hope to move up before I leave BYU. It's the fulfillment of a dream I've had since I was about eight years old. I've watched them perform for years and dreamed of being one of them. Finally I am. It's amazing, and I love it! I feel so incredibly blessed to have this opportunity.

Is it silly, then, that I still miss clogging? One does not replace the other. It just can't. I think I'm learning that nothing ever will. I don't think I'll ever stop missing the rhythm in my feet and the beat in my head, the smile on my face and the amazing feeling of twelve dancers on stage, pounding their feet in unity, and the feeling in my heart when I finish, and it's amazing.

Do you think people dance in heaven?

I hope so.

And I hope they let me bring my clogging shoes.

Viva la Vida

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion." - Henry David Thoreau

That's what it's all about.

Viva la Vida.

Regret...

Room and roommate confusion.
Miles of emails trying to resolve why I was charged late fees for not paying rent I didn't even know was due.
No kitchen cupboard space.
No bathroom cupboard space.
No refrigerator space.
No freezer space.
Paper-thin walls.
No wireless internet.
Beds that feel like boards and sound like popcorn when you sit on them or touch them.
Average of 3 hours of sleep at night due to a (very very nice and friendly, but) snoring roommate.
Late fees for rent for which I already submitted the payment.
Office hours that are the same hours as my classes, no accomodation.
Office workers who don't have a grasp of even the basic rules of English Grammar.
Four chairs at a kitchen table for six girls (what the heck is that about?).

I wish I had never gone to live at Glenwood. I have great roommates, nothing against them, but this has been a disaster from the beginning. Note to self: pray about these things first. Especially when it's a $300 a month commitment.


(On the up side of life, I have a nasty busy schedule, and my mom lives close - so I shall avoid my apartment as much as humanly possible...)

My happy new year

It's 2011.

I'm very, incredibly excited about this.

I kind of thought this year would never come.

There's not words to express how excited I am that it finally did.


Goodbye, 2010. I'm not going to miss you. Though I have to give you credit for a lot of things. Despite feeling like you were never going to end, you were, indeed, a big, year for me. A lot of things happened, and I accomplished a lot.

- I was accepted to my study abroad program in Spain.

- I made some amazing friends, one of whom I spent a memorable President's Day in St. George with. Love you, girl :)

- I addicted myself to the tv show Psych (which I don't regret) and macaroni and cheese (which I only sort of regret...)

- I learned how to drive a stick shift (maybe poorly, but still), played some pranks, and cried the day I got a full-tuition scholarship.

- I went to Institute for the first time ever, rediscovered a friendship I'm eternally glad I didn't let die, and spent time on memory lane with another good friend.

- I went to California for the first time, went on a cruise for the first time, and went to the dentist with no cavities for the first time... hehe.

- I went to Mexico (okay, for six hours, but that counts, right?) Disneyland, St George, San Diego, Jackson Hole, and Idaho Falls, all with my mom who I love very much :)

- I completed a number of home repair projects, some minor sewing projects, and watched a lot of soccer. Yay World Cup!

- I saw Carrie Underwood in concert at Stadium of Fire.

- I ran 6 miles straight for the first time ever.

- I got on an airplane and flew transatlantic to another country, where I learned the language, the culture, and a lifetime of knowledge about myself, who I am, and what I am capable of doing and becoming. It was the most amazing three months of my entire life.

- I got a new job, which I love, spent a month celebrating Christmas, and now I'm ready for another year.

Thanks, 2010, for all you taught me. I look back at the person I was a year ago - my hopes, dreams, wishes, feelings, everything, and then I look at who I am today, and I'm happy with the result. I guess that's the best I can ask for, right? 2010 wasn't a picnic by any means; it was full of trials like any other year, some of which included decisions more difficult than any I've ever faced. But I made it. And that's the important part.

Hello, 2011. What lessons, trials, miracles, and blessings have you got in store for me?