Waiting

I wake up late and sense the light outside my window. I jump out of bed and rush to the blinds, blinking at the snow in my front yard. Nope, no footprints yet. I get back in bed. But I can't sleep. I'm too excited.

So I get back out of bed and check the fresh snow for prints, just once more. I get ready for the day. When I finish, I run to the front door and peer anxiously down the street, first one way, then the other. Nothing.

I sit down to read a book. But I can't focus. I give in to the urge, my patience shaking its head in defeat. I put on my shoes and open the front door. I run lightly to the mailbox, heart pounding in anticipation. Empty. Still no footprints in the yard, a sure sign in the winter that the mailman has yet to come. I walk the extra few steps down the sidewalk and check both directions. No mail truck.

So I go back inside, put on my slippers, and resign myself to waiting a bit longer. I read some. I get some things crossed off my to do list. There's movement outside the window. Sure enough, the mail lady in her winter boots is tromping through the snow.

I skip the shoes this time and run out barefoot, hardly daring to look inside the mailbox. I lift the lid and see newspaper. Just newspaper. I watch the mailman a couple houses down, just in case she's coming back with a forgotten letter. She's not. My shoulders slump just a little. And my feet are cold.

I take the paper inside. I rifle through it, just in case it's hiding something special inside its inky folds. Nothing but a couple of coupons to Jiffy Lube and Big O Tires. I set the paper down and put my slippers back on. The pile of newspaper taunts me.

I glance at the clock. Twenty-four hours until the mail comes again.

I'm a closet romantic

Minus the closet.

I posted this on Facebook, but then I decided to expound.

I've always been proud of not being a "fall for it" kind of person. I don't swoon over celebrities, don't crush on the cute guy I saw at the store for a split second, don't even fall for the attractive Elder's Quorum president or the nice Activities committee cochair. None of that for me. I'm way too practical - seriously, celebrities? They have a new girl every minute, and there's no way I want even ten minutes of that lifestyle. And really, I'm never going to see that guy in the store again. The Elder's quorum president isn't my type, not one bit, and the activities committee cochair could maybe be perfect for me, but he'd never realize it in a million years. See? Ridiculous to even think about it, much less act on it!

I probably come off super practical, a bit cynical, and just plain disinterested.

The reader would be surprised, then, to see the play count of several popular love songs on my iPod.
They would be surprised to have seen me devouring LDS romantic fiction all afternoon, a longtime Sunday tradition recently reinstated.
They'd definitely be surprised to get hold of my journal or my notebook of poetry I've written off and on through the years, especially the Spanish ones.
And counting the amount of time spent daydreaming is definitely out of the question.

Then again, maybe my practical and disinterested facade isn't as flawless as I like to think it is. Maybe this isn't so surprising after all.

And as long as my fondness for romanticism - in both the literary and relationship sense - is out, I might as well share this quote at the end of my book tonight:

"...and she would know throughout all time the true definition of celestial: eternity with the one you love."

What I want most for Christmas

Someone told me this year that they're going to get me "what I want most for Christmas."

I, of course, am trying to figure out what in the world they meant by that. Because it's not actually possible. Sure, someone could get me something I'd really like, something I'd really enjoy, but they couldn't get me any of the things I want most. The things I want most can't be wrapped up under a tree, or even given in a single day. The things I want most are changes in people's lives - worries to be taken away, problems to be solved, sadness to be erased. I want some people to be able to see themselves how I see them and how God sees them. I want others to find purpose and meaning in their lives. I want people who are struggling to make good decisions to be able to do so. I want people who are sick to be healed, people who are hurt to be comforted.

These things are what I want most, not something that can be unwrapped or pulled from a stocking on Christmas morning. I don't want things for me, I want to see things happen for other people, because that's what makes me happiest. The only thing I would choose for myself couldn't be wrapped up, either, nor could it be given to me this Christmas. And I wouldn't want it to be. Perhaps next year. In the meantime, Christmas is two days away. My wishes are out there. Maybe there'll be a miracle or two this Christmas season. And if not, that's okay too. Sometimes the best wishes are the ones that aren't granted.

Viva la Vida
and Merry Christmas.

December 21

Happy first day of winter!

I don't like Christmas

I had a mind-boggling realization today.

I don't like Christmas.

Day.

I love the Christmas season with all my heart. I love lights, newfallen snow, decorating cookies, Christmas music. I love shopping for the perfect gift, and usually not finding it until you've almost given up. I love making gifts more than anything. I love watching Christmas movies, especially White Christmas and It's a Wonderful Life. I love the magic of decorating the Christmas tree and then turning off all the lights in the house and just sitting under it and staring at the lights, sipping hot cocoa and eating Keebler's Jingles cookies until you fall asleep and dream about magic.

But I'm not the biggest fan of Christmas Day itself.

Maybe it's the fact that in my family, dinner was on Christmas Eve, all the big things were Christmas Eve, there was no extended family to party with on Christmas, and after noon or so it was just over. When I think about the actual Christmas morning, especially now that I'm older and am not as excited about getting that special gift (although I won't lie, I am DYING to drive around town singing to Taylor Swift's new album at the top of my lungs, just sayin'), but yeah, it's just kind of a letdown. What I look forward to most about it is seeing how others like the gifts I got for them, and hoping that they catch a glimpse of how much effort and thought I tried to put into getting them something special.

Christmas, after all, isn't about getting stuff. And for all the things I love about the season, it's not really about any of that, either. Christmas is about Christ - about his birth, his life, and the life He continues to live so that we, too, can live. Because of Christmas, I'm here, living the life I've been given - having adventures, making mistakes, experiencing new things, and learning to truly live. When I think about it that way, it casts a feeling of awe and reverence over the typical carol-singing and cookie-eating.

I guess what it really comes down to, as one of my very favorite characters stated so wisely, "Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas means a little bit more."

It does. And that's what I truly love about Christmas.

Viva la Vida.

It's a girl!!!

Not me, you sillies.

My best friend/practically sister is going to have a girl!

And I am VERY excited for her!!!

Pieces of me

I was thinking tonight about who I am.
What influences have shaped the person I've become?
If any given aspect of my life would have been different, what kind of person would I be today?
How much of me came with me, and how much of me has been shaped by the life I've lived?

I don't know the answers to those questions, but I know that every experience, every aspect of my life, has changed me in some way. Losing a friend, and then losing another one. The feeling of being alone in a crowded room. My baptism. The day I sat on the curb and cried with my best friend. The time I learned to forgive someone I hated. The time I realized I hadn't truly forgiven someone that had hurt me. The day I ran away from home. Hundreds of young women activities where I felt alone, and the handful where I didn't anymore. The first day I walked through the junior high school, and the choice I made on the baseball field at lunch. The teacher who wrote in my yearbook and inspired me for the rest of my life. The time I made my first close friends, and the time I had to walk away. The time I stepped on a shoelace and fell in love. The night where my heart broke, and the night where I let it heal. The time where I drove away from a house and my whole world changed. Letting go of something very important to me. The evening on the tennis court where my whole life changed. The day that me and my guitar learned how to truly live. The time I got on an airplane and flew a million miles away, and the day I came back.

It's all a part of me. Moments, experiences, people, hundreds of people who have no idea of the impact they left on my life, but without their being there I wouldn't be the same. It's crazy and amazing and mind boggling all at the same time.

Who am I? What made me me? Who will I be in a year, two years, ten years? What else lies in store?

Viva la Vida

What Christmas is all about...

Christmas!
In 17 days, folks.
Are you ready?
Are you still boggled down with finals and papers and silly sludgy stuff like that?
If you are, maybe you're feeling like Christmas is just expensive
And time consuming
And a lot of work.
Maybe you're having a hard time remembering what Christmas is all about.
If so, you should take a break and watch this.
And take a minute to give thanks for the amazing Gift that was given to us, which we celebrate on Christmas day.





Good luck to you all on finals, work, travels, and anything else you might be struggling with this Christmas season. And merry, merry Christmas!

Rearview Mirror

Have you ever done something you're not proud of?
Been someone you didn't like?
Asked a question that was incredibly unnecessary?
Done something stupid and then mentally kicked yourself for days?
Wished with all your heart you could go back and change the past?

I know I've done all these things on occasion. Especially the last one. But I heard something the other day, I don't remember if it was a commercial or song lyrics or what, but it used the phrase, "looking in the rearview mirror of my life."

It made me think a lot about rearview mirrors.
Everybody's got one. That's not the important part. The important part is that we have windshields, too. And the windshield is waaaay bigger than the rearview mirror. It means that the past is a part of the future, but the future swallows up the past, and there's a whole lot of road up there to live, to fill with good and better things, to improve upon.

It's like knitting a scarf. The first part can be lumpy and uneven, but it gets better as it goes along. I guess life's like that sometimes. You figure it out. It's never going to be perfect, tied up neatly, lined up straight. There'll be problems and trials and plenty of mistakes. But that's not the important part. The important part is keeping going forward. Focus on the good in life, and the good in yourself. Smile. It's so much happier that way.

Viva la Vida.

Onwards and Upwards

Life has a funny way of going on even when you wonder how it will...

• I got a new job. I'm now the Admissions Assistant/Undergrad secretary/person in the School of Music. It's a step up from my old job, I've worked a total of 9 hours now and I love it! It also pays better which will just make life easier... yay for being a less-poor college student!
• I went to the Scarlet Pimpernel musical. The best part was a) the kid playing Armand was super, super cute, and b) I got a copy of the book (I didn't even know there WAS a book!) and am now halfway through. It's really good so far - I love the movie with Jane Seymour the best so far, though. You just can't beat that.
  
• This summer I started sewing an apron. It's going to be fabulously cute when it's done, but so far it's proving difficult. I can't get the pockets right. I made six pockets yesterday and none were satisfactory. When I get it right and it's finished, I'll post pictures.
  
• I ran across my planner from my senior year of high school last night, and I spent an hour reading it and indulging myself in a memory-fest. It's funny the things that change, and the things that don't. I really love life that way.
• I realized today there's only 28 days left of the longest year of my life. The year spent entirely without my best friend. 2010 is almost over. It's been a really good year, but I can't really express how completely excited I am for it to finally be 2011. Still lots of months left, and I'm okay with that - I have lots to do! - but as good as it was, I'm ready to leave 2010 in the dust.
  
• And on that note, 22 days until Christmas!!! The best day of the entire year! And December is definitely the best month!

I love life. I love the crazy ups and downs. I love the opportunities, the moments you snatch and live to the fullest. I love the times when I just look up at the sky and can't help but smile, because I have a beautiful, wonderful life, filled with so many blessings I can't even begin to list! Life is so good to me. Viva la Vida!