Do you ever feel like your life is run by the requirement to always make the most practical and logical decision in every situation, whether it's what you really want to do or not?
I do.
Sometimes I feel like Rapunzel in Tangled, trapped in a tower of my own making, a tower made by the little voice in my head that won't let me do anything that doesn't lead straight to the practical, efficient, logical life I have planned out for myself. No surprises. No major bumps. Prepared for anything. No impulsive decisions, making decisions on whims, or following my heart allowed if it contradicts the life plan and schedule I have.
So it's a fight between the two sides of me: do the practical thing, be prepared, be logical, or take risks, chase dreams, follow whims. Where is the balance?
I feel like I'm forty years old with the weight of my whole life riding on every single decision I make.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
The joy of scheduling...
So I'm trying to figure out how to not go crazy next fall semester, so that I'm less busy, have more time for homework, more time for other activities, and less stress all around.
Unfortunately, a solution is eluding me. Between a disappointing lack of happiness in the class offerings, the necessity of working 20 hours a week, my desire to keep trying to pay off my student loans before I graduate, taking dance classes that are low in credit hours... between all that, it's a hopeless cause.
I don't want to graduate, because then a) I have to stop folk dancing, b) my loans start accumulating interest, and c) I have to be a real person... But looking forward to semesters like this makes me awfully anxious to wear that cap and gown.
Unfortunately, a solution is eluding me. Between a disappointing lack of happiness in the class offerings, the necessity of working 20 hours a week, my desire to keep trying to pay off my student loans before I graduate, taking dance classes that are low in credit hours... between all that, it's a hopeless cause.
I don't want to graduate, because then a) I have to stop folk dancing, b) my loans start accumulating interest, and c) I have to be a real person... But looking forward to semesters like this makes me awfully anxious to wear that cap and gown.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Ten Things to be thankful for
1. My family. I love them more than anything, and I am who I am today because of them.
2. My best friend, who is currently on a mission. He's amazing, and I'm so happy at how wonderful of a person and missionary he is.
3. Springtime. I love the warmer weather, and just sitting in the grass and looking at the flowers make life worthwhile.
4. Music. Especially inspirational music. It lifts my spirit when nothing else works.
5. The scriptures. There is peace and comfort in the scriptures for any challenge or trial. The Lord really does speak through the scriptures.
6. Fruit. I've never appreciated a sweet, crunchy apple as much as I did today.
7. The Atonement. It gives me the knowledge that Someone has gone before, and with His help, I can overcome anything.
8. Neighbors. Especially the ones that you know will be there, and you can rely on them, no matter what.
9. Friends. It's not about what you do, or what you get in this life, it's about the relationships you build along the way. I hope my friends know how much they mean to me, and if they don't, I hope I continue to show them.
10. Life. It's the greatest, most beautiful blessing I've ever been given, and I suddenly realize how short, how fragile, how precious it is. Live your life. Don't ever waste a moment of it. You never, ever know how much time you have left, and when my time comes, in those last moments when my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see it and smile, knowing that I did my best, and I really, truly lived.
Viva la Vida.
2. My best friend, who is currently on a mission. He's amazing, and I'm so happy at how wonderful of a person and missionary he is.
3. Springtime. I love the warmer weather, and just sitting in the grass and looking at the flowers make life worthwhile.
4. Music. Especially inspirational music. It lifts my spirit when nothing else works.
5. The scriptures. There is peace and comfort in the scriptures for any challenge or trial. The Lord really does speak through the scriptures.
6. Fruit. I've never appreciated a sweet, crunchy apple as much as I did today.
7. The Atonement. It gives me the knowledge that Someone has gone before, and with His help, I can overcome anything.
8. Neighbors. Especially the ones that you know will be there, and you can rely on them, no matter what.
9. Friends. It's not about what you do, or what you get in this life, it's about the relationships you build along the way. I hope my friends know how much they mean to me, and if they don't, I hope I continue to show them.
10. Life. It's the greatest, most beautiful blessing I've ever been given, and I suddenly realize how short, how fragile, how precious it is. Live your life. Don't ever waste a moment of it. You never, ever know how much time you have left, and when my time comes, in those last moments when my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see it and smile, knowing that I did my best, and I really, truly lived.
Viva la Vida.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Book review bashing
So can I just say, that the simple, 4-page book review for my doctrine and covenants class has turned into a giant, 4-page nightmare, because as it turns out, I'm an excellent summary writer, and the analysis is somewhat elusive, I mean, really, how am I supposed to analyze something without summarizing? Despite the seventeen-slide powerpoint on how to write an analytical book review in a concise and precise manner, I find myself sitting at my computer for over two hours, typing out sentences and promptly erasing them, and finally packing up and heading home, frustrated, annoyed, and overall feeling like I wasted the whole night, and even as I pick up my backpack, I'm still tempted to sit back down at the computer and start again, because tonight was the night to write this darn thing, not to sit and start it over and over again.
agggggggghhhhhhhh!
agggggggghhhhhhhh!
Cooking creations: Easy Chili
Easy chili
- 1 can Western Family Natural Directions chili beans (sold at Macey's for about $1) or any other generic can of plain chili beans
- 1 can petite diced tomatoes
- 1/3 packet Lawry's Chili Seasoning (also sold at Macey's) or you can experiment with other chili flavorings, but this one is the best!
Mix together in pan, heat to warm, and EAT! Serves 2.
Meat variation: Brown a little bit of hamburger in a frying pan and add it - as much as you want.
- 1 can Western Family Natural Directions chili beans (sold at Macey's for about $1) or any other generic can of plain chili beans
- 1 can petite diced tomatoes
- 1/3 packet Lawry's Chili Seasoning (also sold at Macey's) or you can experiment with other chili flavorings, but this one is the best!
Mix together in pan, heat to warm, and EAT! Serves 2.
Meat variation: Brown a little bit of hamburger in a frying pan and add it - as much as you want.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Too much Honor?
Anyone who is anyone in Utah has heard about the current controversy over the basketball team. Brandon Davies, one of the top three players on our team, broke the Honor Code. He was dismissed from the team right at the end of the regular season, just when BYU was doing so well and was looking forward to a bright future in the playoffs, which diminished, if not destroyed, their chances at the success they had been anticipating.
Some have said this was a stupid, foolish move. BYU stood to gain national fame, not to mention money and reputation, in the playoffs this year. This was a chance that the team members would never have again. Why, then, would they do something like this, right at the end of the season? People have said that they should have waited - delayed the punishment, let him play until the end of the season, keep it quiet for now, wait until the pressure was off.
How is this any different from the view in the scriptures that God will "beat us with a few stripes" and then quickly forgive us? The scriptures clearly indicate that this is wrong. The Lord doesn't tolerate sin, and it doesn't matter the circumstances, not even if there's a national championship riding on it.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that Brandon Davies can't be forgiven. I feel immensely sorry for him, and I imagine that he's suffering huge amounts of embarrassment and regret over his actions, especially considering the way it's affected so many people, including his teammates. I don't even pretend to call judgment on him or in any way condemn or pardon him - that is not my place. I simply wonder why people seem to think that avoiding, postponing, or evading the established consequences of breaking the Honor Code at BYU should happen in this situation. Essentially, they think an "exception" should have been made in his case. Why should there be an exception to honor; an exception to integrity? Does that not diminish the very integrity that the Honor Code exists to encourage?
I have never been quite as proud of BYU as I have been the last week. We have showed the world that there are more important things in life than winning, money, and fame. I support Coach Rose's decision, and am proud to be ridiculed for having "too much Honor."
President Hinckley summed it up in a talk here on campus a number of years ago:
"In all this world there is no substitute for personal integrity. It includes honor. It includes performance. It includes keeping one's word. It includes doing what is right regardless of the circumstances."
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Measuring up
This morning I was perusing blogs I follow of friends and acquaintances, some single, some married. I looked at pictures of their families, read posts about their recent craft or home improvement projects, their straight-A semesters. I looked with envy at the cute dresses a friend had sewn for her little girl, marveled at how beautifully a young couple's new home had been decorated.
I tell myself I read these things to "find inspiration" or "get ideas." However, I think it's safe to say that every time I finish reading, I feel the sad realization that I'm never going to measure up to these women. I'm not an expert seamstress, and I lack the patience for very detailed work. I work very hard in school, but I don't always ace every class. I'm taking an interior design class, but I don't feel confident in my ability to decorate a home with taste and perfect coordination.
It's easy to look at these women and suddenly feel like a complete failure. Thoughts of never measuring up, never being good at these things, someday being a poor wife and mother creep in the instant I let down my guard. I think, actually, I know, this is a common problem among sisters in the Church. We want to be that "perfect" person in every aspect of our lives, and there's always someone that we can look at and idolize, placing them on a pedestal of perfect sisterhood. Elder Wirthlin gave some valuable council, though, in an article from 2001 that was quoted in the February Ensign:
"Let me cite a hypothetical example of a dear sister in any ward, the one who has perfect children who never cause a disturbance in church. She is the one working on her 20th generation in her family history, keeps an immaculate home, has memorized the book of Mark, and makes wool sweaters for the orphaned children in Romania. No disrespect, of course, intended for any of these worthy goals. Now, when you get tempted to throw your hands in the air and give up because of this dear sister, please remember you're not competing with her any more than I'm competing with the members of the Quorum of the Twelve in winning a 50-yard dash.
"The only thing you need to worry about is striving to be the best you can be. And how do you do that? You keep your eye on the goals that matter most in life, and you move towards them step by step." (Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, "One Step after Another," Ensign, Nov. 2001)
Every child of God who has ever been or ever will be has been blessed with divine talents and attributes that make them special and successful in the eyes of the Lord, if they strive to improve upon them and use them to build His kingdom. Maybe I'm not good at sewing or crafting, but I have other talents, and God knows that, and in His eyes I am just as special as anyone else. It's not a competition - it's a personalized life experience, the point of which is to become the person Heavenly Father knows we can truly be, someone like Him.
I love the Gospel!
I tell myself I read these things to "find inspiration" or "get ideas." However, I think it's safe to say that every time I finish reading, I feel the sad realization that I'm never going to measure up to these women. I'm not an expert seamstress, and I lack the patience for very detailed work. I work very hard in school, but I don't always ace every class. I'm taking an interior design class, but I don't feel confident in my ability to decorate a home with taste and perfect coordination.
It's easy to look at these women and suddenly feel like a complete failure. Thoughts of never measuring up, never being good at these things, someday being a poor wife and mother creep in the instant I let down my guard. I think, actually, I know, this is a common problem among sisters in the Church. We want to be that "perfect" person in every aspect of our lives, and there's always someone that we can look at and idolize, placing them on a pedestal of perfect sisterhood. Elder Wirthlin gave some valuable council, though, in an article from 2001 that was quoted in the February Ensign:
"Let me cite a hypothetical example of a dear sister in any ward, the one who has perfect children who never cause a disturbance in church. She is the one working on her 20th generation in her family history, keeps an immaculate home, has memorized the book of Mark, and makes wool sweaters for the orphaned children in Romania. No disrespect, of course, intended for any of these worthy goals. Now, when you get tempted to throw your hands in the air and give up because of this dear sister, please remember you're not competing with her any more than I'm competing with the members of the Quorum of the Twelve in winning a 50-yard dash.
"The only thing you need to worry about is striving to be the best you can be. And how do you do that? You keep your eye on the goals that matter most in life, and you move towards them step by step." (Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, "One Step after Another," Ensign, Nov. 2001)
Every child of God who has ever been or ever will be has been blessed with divine talents and attributes that make them special and successful in the eyes of the Lord, if they strive to improve upon them and use them to build His kingdom. Maybe I'm not good at sewing or crafting, but I have other talents, and God knows that, and in His eyes I am just as special as anyone else. It's not a competition - it's a personalized life experience, the point of which is to become the person Heavenly Father knows we can truly be, someone like Him.
I love the Gospel!
Friday, March 4, 2011
The best feeling in the world...
Is finding out that you passed the test to get into your major and you made it, and you don't have to retake the test, don't have to replan your life, don't have to rework all your dreams, and the best part is that you prayed about it the night before and asked for God to guide you - and this was the answer.
I got into the Translation major. Green light to continue on the path I have planned!
Oh, and I also must share a bit more random trivia. I joined Sigma Delta Pi. We had a fabulous initiation ceremony where we stood in a circle and lit our candles from the club president's candle, symbolizing the light that shines within each of us, and then we put our lights out with our fingers. Although we didn't actually light the candles, because there's some pretty awesome fire codes about that. So it was all imaginary. I was then given some cords to wear when I graduate - in two+ years. Better not lose those. I also ate some strawberry cheesecake, met a bunch of people, and decided Sigma Delta Pi might end up being a lot of fun.
Second random story. I ate dinner tonight in the hallway of the JKB with the custodial night crew. Seriously. Apparently they have a potluck dinner every friday, and since my locker is in that hall, their overly friendly supervisor refused to let me gracefully exit and insisted I share in their feast. It was actually quite fun, once I got past the awkwardness of it all - I met four really awesome people at my table who I hope to run into again - they were cool.
Yay for super random days...
I got into the Translation major. Green light to continue on the path I have planned!
Oh, and I also must share a bit more random trivia. I joined Sigma Delta Pi. We had a fabulous initiation ceremony where we stood in a circle and lit our candles from the club president's candle, symbolizing the light that shines within each of us, and then we put our lights out with our fingers. Although we didn't actually light the candles, because there's some pretty awesome fire codes about that. So it was all imaginary. I was then given some cords to wear when I graduate - in two+ years. Better not lose those. I also ate some strawberry cheesecake, met a bunch of people, and decided Sigma Delta Pi might end up being a lot of fun.
Second random story. I ate dinner tonight in the hallway of the JKB with the custodial night crew. Seriously. Apparently they have a potluck dinner every friday, and since my locker is in that hall, their overly friendly supervisor refused to let me gracefully exit and insisted I share in their feast. It was actually quite fun, once I got past the awkwardness of it all - I met four really awesome people at my table who I hope to run into again - they were cool.
Yay for super random days...
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Beautiful peace
I'm working on a Day Zero goal to make a list of 101 things that make me happy. It isn't finished, mainly because there are SO many things that make me happy that I can't decide what the top 101 would be!
But as I changed my desktop background at work this morning, I realized one of the things I love most. Beautiful nature scenery. Whether it's the sun filtering through a cool canopy of leaves in a mountain forest, or the way the ocean stretches out to meet the horizon in the distance, there's a certain peace I find from sitting and drinking in the beauty that God has created. That's a kind of peace and joy I haven't found any other way - and I love it.
But as I changed my desktop background at work this morning, I realized one of the things I love most. Beautiful nature scenery. Whether it's the sun filtering through a cool canopy of leaves in a mountain forest, or the way the ocean stretches out to meet the horizon in the distance, there's a certain peace I find from sitting and drinking in the beauty that God has created. That's a kind of peace and joy I haven't found any other way - and I love it.
These are all pictures I took in Spain - in moments where the beauty took my breath away.
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