Guess what, blogging world, I'm still alive!
(Okay, to all TWO of you who ever occasionally read my blog, you knew I was alive).
New last name, new apartment, new set of favorites about life, new packet of challenges, and more new and amazing experiences than I could ever imagine!
I love Ryan. I made the best decision of my entire life when I married him. Our story is one that's full of love. And I love it.
For everyone interested - our story is continuing at http://sommerfeldts.blogspot.com/. This blog, Viva la Vida, will continue to remain as my personal outlet for my random thoughts, experiences, goals, mumblings, etc. Anything official about our family will go on our family blog. So hey, follow both of them, if you're lucky you might just hear from me twice as often :D hahaha if only, if only... no, but really, it'll be good. There's already pictures and stuff.
Okay. Viva la Vida, everyone. Life is simply too amazing to miss a single moment!
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
October Occurences
October was a fun month full of fun activities, a few ups and downs, and a lot of anxiousness to get to November (and then December).
Ryan and I hardly ever take pictures. Sorry.
Here's one that we did take. October was full of football. Some of the games have been a lot of fun, and others were fairly boring. Jen might have actually fallen asleep in the stadium during one of them... but that's secret. Shhh.
We also got our engagement pictures taken with Abby Alger. This was a lot of fun, and our pictures turned out absolutely beautiful! We love them. We're almost ready to submit our announcement for printing - it's getting closer!
We've had a lot of fun and also a lot of chances to get to understand each other better. I'm marrying the most humble, patient, loving, and committed man in the world. Needless to say, we're both looking forward to finish being engaged and be able to go forward with married life without the stress of planning a wedding, get through school, spend enough time with each other, balance all our other commitments and relationships, and figure out how to live in this sometimes-frustrating in-between stage. I fully endorse short engagements - by the time we arrive at the temple we will have been engaged almost four months, and it already feels like an an eternity, full of opportunities to become stressed and frustrated. We're looking forward to REAL eternity together. It won't be without its challenges, either - but it will be nice to be able to face them side by side.
Coming up in November: Bridal showers, lots of licking and sealing (announcements, not lollipops...sadly enough...), more football, dance practices for Jen and a Physics project for Ryan, Thanksgiving break, renting an apartment, finalizing the wedding plans, and many more hours together!
Ryan and I hardly ever take pictures. Sorry.
Here's one that we did take. October was full of football. Some of the games have been a lot of fun, and others were fairly boring. Jen might have actually fallen asleep in the stadium during one of them... but that's secret. Shhh.
We've had a lot of fun and also a lot of chances to get to understand each other better. I'm marrying the most humble, patient, loving, and committed man in the world. Needless to say, we're both looking forward to finish being engaged and be able to go forward with married life without the stress of planning a wedding, get through school, spend enough time with each other, balance all our other commitments and relationships, and figure out how to live in this sometimes-frustrating in-between stage. I fully endorse short engagements - by the time we arrive at the temple we will have been engaged almost four months, and it already feels like an an eternity, full of opportunities to become stressed and frustrated. We're looking forward to REAL eternity together. It won't be without its challenges, either - but it will be nice to be able to face them side by side.
Coming up in November: Bridal showers, lots of licking and sealing (announcements, not lollipops...sadly enough...), more football, dance practices for Jen and a Physics project for Ryan, Thanksgiving break, renting an apartment, finalizing the wedding plans, and many more hours together!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
The beauty of words
They open the book and see the first word, and like a stream of two-dimensional characters, the story comes to life in one long reel, the words tick-tick-ticking along like a steady stream of subtitles below a paper-doll-like chain of actions. And the pictures, in faded color and shades of gray, move jerkily forward, dragging their reader alongside like an unfortunate packhorse tied to a slowly moving wagon.
But I can see the page. Over their shoulder, I can see the words they're reading, with their forehead scrunched in concentration, their lips almost moving as they dwell, torturously, on each word, almost as if they're pronouncing it, rolling it around in their mouth before letting it go, concentrating on each noun and verb and preposition so hard that the meaning is painfully squeezed out of it like juice from a lemon, splattering them in the face and dripping stickily to the floor.
I can see those words, but as I look, craning my neck, they seem to leap from the page, spinning round and round like a vortex opening to swallow me whole. I see the letters leap from the dull, white pages and rearrange themselves, forming themselves into a story, a three-dimensional picture as rich and colorful as a movie, but surrounding me, covering me from head to toe in a shimmer of meaning.
My surroundings fade to gray as I tumble headlong into the story. No longer do the words march slowly on like apples on a conveyor belt, but instead they leap forward, triggering action and movement and color and sound, all around me, and suddenly I am no longer an observer, but a player, as the story unfolds around me. I jump as I hear the thunderclaps, and my eyes fill with tears as the heroine lays her sister to rest in the cold, frozen earth. The mountains tower above me, and I emerge from the bus, blinking in the summer light, searching for the man in the white top hat. I speed through the night, devouring the words, phrases, sentences, paragraphs, turning page after page as the train speeds toward the twisted break in the track, my heart filled with terror for the passengers trapped on board. And when the words hold me back, I free myself from the words, my eyes searching only for the continuation of the story, leaving the articles and the prepositions and even some of the nouns behind. I thirst for meaning, and when the story finally reaches its climax and winds to a close, my heart pounds more slowly, my breathing quiets, and my hands tremble as I turn the last pages of the story, which finally releases me from the spell, and I blink in mild surprise to see my nondescript surroundings. The book lays innocently on my lap, the adventure bound quietly between the two stiff covers, waiting for me to come back, to once again venture between its pages, where lies an infinite realm of possibilities.
But I can see the page. Over their shoulder, I can see the words they're reading, with their forehead scrunched in concentration, their lips almost moving as they dwell, torturously, on each word, almost as if they're pronouncing it, rolling it around in their mouth before letting it go, concentrating on each noun and verb and preposition so hard that the meaning is painfully squeezed out of it like juice from a lemon, splattering them in the face and dripping stickily to the floor.
I can see those words, but as I look, craning my neck, they seem to leap from the page, spinning round and round like a vortex opening to swallow me whole. I see the letters leap from the dull, white pages and rearrange themselves, forming themselves into a story, a three-dimensional picture as rich and colorful as a movie, but surrounding me, covering me from head to toe in a shimmer of meaning.
My surroundings fade to gray as I tumble headlong into the story. No longer do the words march slowly on like apples on a conveyor belt, but instead they leap forward, triggering action and movement and color and sound, all around me, and suddenly I am no longer an observer, but a player, as the story unfolds around me. I jump as I hear the thunderclaps, and my eyes fill with tears as the heroine lays her sister to rest in the cold, frozen earth. The mountains tower above me, and I emerge from the bus, blinking in the summer light, searching for the man in the white top hat. I speed through the night, devouring the words, phrases, sentences, paragraphs, turning page after page as the train speeds toward the twisted break in the track, my heart filled with terror for the passengers trapped on board. And when the words hold me back, I free myself from the words, my eyes searching only for the continuation of the story, leaving the articles and the prepositions and even some of the nouns behind. I thirst for meaning, and when the story finally reaches its climax and winds to a close, my heart pounds more slowly, my breathing quiets, and my hands tremble as I turn the last pages of the story, which finally releases me from the spell, and I blink in mild surprise to see my nondescript surroundings. The book lays innocently on my lap, the adventure bound quietly between the two stiff covers, waiting for me to come back, to once again venture between its pages, where lies an infinite realm of possibilities.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Heart mapping
Today in class, we had a third grade teacher come and give us a mock lesson.
We did an activity called heart mapping.
Basically it involved drawing a heart with a circle inside, and then a smaller circle inside the circle.
In the innermost circle, we put the things that mean the very most to us, like family, friends, testimony... etc.
In the outer circle, we put things we really love. Then, between the heart and the first circle, we put things we like.
Then we picked something and wrote about it. It was amazing to see how much more the writing activity meant when it was something I cared about.
But more than that, I pondered on the activity. Heart mapping. How does one map their heart? What paths do I go along, what things do I climb over to get to the things I love the most? What defenses do I have to get through to get to my most precious things, or is my heart open to anyone? Does my heart have a big "Welcome" mat on the porch, or is it locked up tight with me inside, hoping everyone will think I'm not home?
And more than that... what's in my inner circle? I can make a list. But do the people and things I say are in my inner circle actually receive enough attention and emphasis that they know they're in my inner circle?
Just something to think about.
Viva la Vida.
We did an activity called heart mapping.
Basically it involved drawing a heart with a circle inside, and then a smaller circle inside the circle.
In the innermost circle, we put the things that mean the very most to us, like family, friends, testimony... etc.
In the outer circle, we put things we really love. Then, between the heart and the first circle, we put things we like.
Then we picked something and wrote about it. It was amazing to see how much more the writing activity meant when it was something I cared about.
But more than that, I pondered on the activity. Heart mapping. How does one map their heart? What paths do I go along, what things do I climb over to get to the things I love the most? What defenses do I have to get through to get to my most precious things, or is my heart open to anyone? Does my heart have a big "Welcome" mat on the porch, or is it locked up tight with me inside, hoping everyone will think I'm not home?
And more than that... what's in my inner circle? I can make a list. But do the people and things I say are in my inner circle actually receive enough attention and emphasis that they know they're in my inner circle?
Just something to think about.
Viva la Vida.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Happy New Year
Today is the first day of a brand new year.
I know, you're confused. "New Year's isn't until January 1st! It's only September 27th!"
But, when you think about it, a new year starts every single day. Each day of our lives we're given the opportunity to start fresh, to set goals, to make resolutions, and to leave the past behind as we face forward with a new hope for the future.
Ryan likes to tell me I'm perfect. And when he does, it makes me smile. I think about how lucky I am to have such an amazing man think so highly of me. However, we've instead adopted the phrase "You're perfect for me" in lieu of calling each other perfect. Because, let's face it, as much as we'd all like to be perfect, none of us are. Only our Savior, Jesus Christ, came to earth and lived a perfect life. The rest of us struggle. We have failings and shortcomings. Sometimes our mistakes are small, and sometimes they're big. But we all have them. Myself included.
One of my favorite songs talks about how "the person who I've been lately isn't who I want to be." I think everyone sings these lyrics to themselves at one point or another in their life. I sometimes look back at a day or a week or even a month and think, "That's not who I am. That's not how I act. I'm better than that." And it can be incredibly disheartening to realize that I've spent so much time living far below my potential as a daughter of God.
I was thinking about that this morning, thinking about all the times I've been unkind, or judged harshly, and all the times I've made excuses for myself when I didn't do everything I knew I should. And I started feeling pretty down about it.
And then I remembered something my mission prep teacher said two years ago. He told us that repentance and forgiveness is literally becoming a new person. Just like starting a new year every day, repentance allows us to start over at the beginning - just as if it had never happened and we had been perfect all along. And once I repent, all of my frustration and shortness is gone, because that was the old me, and this is the new me.
I remember in class thinking that that was kind of weird, and I didn't quite get the concept of forgiving and forgetting - especially forgiving myself. But the more I come to understand about the Atonement, the more I know that it's true. "Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more." (Doctrine & Covenants 58:42) If the Lord forgives and forgets my sins and moves on, who am I to refuse to do so as well?
President Holland gave one of my all-time favorite talks at BYU one year - and it's one that still makes me cry every time I read it. As he said:
Forgive, and do that which is harder than to forgive. Forget. And when it comes to mind, forget it again.... Dismiss the destructive and keep dismissing it, until the beauty of the Atonement of Christ has revealed to you your bright future, and the bright future of your family and your friends and your neighbors. God doesn't care nearly as much about where you have been as He does about where you are, and with His help, where you are willing to go. That is the thing Lot's wife didn't get. This is an important matter to consider at the start of a new year ‐‐ and every day ought to be the start of a new year and a new life. Such is the wonder of faith and repentance and the miracles of the Gospel
of Jesus Christ.
So happy new year! I stand forever grateful for my Savior - who suffered so that I could have a clean slate, and when I mess up again, as I almost inevitably will, so that I could have another one. And one day we'll be able to stand with Him and see just how far we've come, all thanks to His infinite love and sacrifice.
Viva la Vida.
I know, you're confused. "New Year's isn't until January 1st! It's only September 27th!"
But, when you think about it, a new year starts every single day. Each day of our lives we're given the opportunity to start fresh, to set goals, to make resolutions, and to leave the past behind as we face forward with a new hope for the future.
Ryan likes to tell me I'm perfect. And when he does, it makes me smile. I think about how lucky I am to have such an amazing man think so highly of me. However, we've instead adopted the phrase "You're perfect for me" in lieu of calling each other perfect. Because, let's face it, as much as we'd all like to be perfect, none of us are. Only our Savior, Jesus Christ, came to earth and lived a perfect life. The rest of us struggle. We have failings and shortcomings. Sometimes our mistakes are small, and sometimes they're big. But we all have them. Myself included.
One of my favorite songs talks about how "the person who I've been lately isn't who I want to be." I think everyone sings these lyrics to themselves at one point or another in their life. I sometimes look back at a day or a week or even a month and think, "That's not who I am. That's not how I act. I'm better than that." And it can be incredibly disheartening to realize that I've spent so much time living far below my potential as a daughter of God.
I was thinking about that this morning, thinking about all the times I've been unkind, or judged harshly, and all the times I've made excuses for myself when I didn't do everything I knew I should. And I started feeling pretty down about it.
And then I remembered something my mission prep teacher said two years ago. He told us that repentance and forgiveness is literally becoming a new person. Just like starting a new year every day, repentance allows us to start over at the beginning - just as if it had never happened and we had been perfect all along. And once I repent, all of my frustration and shortness is gone, because that was the old me, and this is the new me.
I remember in class thinking that that was kind of weird, and I didn't quite get the concept of forgiving and forgetting - especially forgiving myself. But the more I come to understand about the Atonement, the more I know that it's true. "Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more." (Doctrine & Covenants 58:42) If the Lord forgives and forgets my sins and moves on, who am I to refuse to do so as well?
President Holland gave one of my all-time favorite talks at BYU one year - and it's one that still makes me cry every time I read it. As he said:
Forgive, and do that which is harder than to forgive. Forget. And when it comes to mind, forget it again.... Dismiss the destructive and keep dismissing it, until the beauty of the Atonement of Christ has revealed to you your bright future, and the bright future of your family and your friends and your neighbors. God doesn't care nearly as much about where you have been as He does about where you are, and with His help, where you are willing to go. That is the thing Lot's wife didn't get. This is an important matter to consider at the start of a new year ‐‐ and every day ought to be the start of a new year and a new life. Such is the wonder of faith and repentance and the miracles of the Gospel
of Jesus Christ.
So happy new year! I stand forever grateful for my Savior - who suffered so that I could have a clean slate, and when I mess up again, as I almost inevitably will, so that I could have another one. And one day we'll be able to stand with Him and see just how far we've come, all thanks to His infinite love and sacrifice.
Viva la Vida.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Swimming laps
I learned how to swim laps this week. And by swimming laps, I mean learning the general art of keeping my head in the water, coordinating my breathing, keeping my eyes in my goggles open, swimming a straight line, NOT inhaling the entire pool... etc.
It's like life. There's a lot to think about. If you stop doing any of the important things, you choke, and the water wastes no time in trying to drown you. You have to be diligent, keep moving forward, keep a steady rhythm going, and not panic when things don't go quite right.
You also have to slow down. President Uchtdorf gave an amazing conference address where he challenged us to focus on the things that matter most, to simplify our lives a little. When life gets stressful and challenges arise, too often we try to keep up the same frantic pace. There is no shame in stopping to breathe, in taking some time to refocus on the important things in life. Just like in swimming, too often we choke a little and instead of slowing to take a deeper breath, we plunge on ahead, often nearly drowning ourselves in the process.
Life is too beautiful to waste a single moment coughing and spluttering in a frantic pace toward a supposed finish line. Life is not a race, but a journey, to be taken at the pace that most enables us to progress. Worry, fear, and stress are a part of life. They visit every so often, and when they do, it is up to us to take a deep breath and continue paddling, to continue doing the things that matter most. The Lord counsels, "Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength...but be diligent unto the end." (D&C 10:4)
With perseverance and unwavering faith, pretty soon we'll finish our laps and reach the end of the pool and, like Paul, be able to say, "I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith... Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day." (2 Tim. 4:7-8).
Viva la Vida.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
But be of good cheer; I have overcome the world
The phrase "Be of good cheer" has occasionally stuck out to me in various contexts, and I've often wondered just what exactly Christ meant when He told us to "be of good cheer." Surely, I've thought, there are times when He can't possibly expect us to be cheerful - the world is filled with trials and problems that touch each of our lives in personal and painful ways. But the more I learn about the gospel, the more I realize that yes, it is possible to be of good cheer, even in the midst of a whirlwind of pain and affliction.
I read an amazing article in the Ensign today that talked about this very subject. I highly recommend it, it can be found online here or on page 57 of the July 2011 Ensign. I think the adversary didn't want me to read it, because I literally started to read it six times before I was finally able to finish the whole thing uninterrupted. And when I finally did, I was really glad. The author pointed out a number of things that really stood out to me.
First, "Obedience to God is not insurance against pain and sadness." It's a false assumption to think that if we're perfect, life will be perfect. To quote a favorite movie, "Life IS pain, Princess. Anyone who says differently is selling something." (Princess Bride).
Challenges, trials, and tests of faith are an inherent part of life, and they are no respecter of persons. Everyone suffers, even those who strive daily to keep all the commandments. Therefore, we can be of good cheer even in the midst of the trial, knowing that pain and suffering doesn't mean God is punishing us, or that we're bad people.
Second, if we believe that we have to be perfect before the Atonement will cover us - we're wrong. It's easy to think that we have to be perfect in all things and then Christ's atonement will kick in and relieve us of the heavy burdens we bear.
I have come to know that our Heavenly Father does not leave anyone to struggle alone, trying to lift the burden of perfection without His help. The only catch is simply that we have to turn to Him. Sometimes that involves acknowledging personal weakness. Sometimes it takes repentance, or humility. No matter what it requires, the promise is that the weight will lift from our shoulders, and we can find joy through Him.
"Cheerfulness in the scriptural context connotes a divinely assured optimism, "a deep trust in God's unfolding purposes," a grounded conviction that God will always keep His promises.... True happiness and satisfaction are found only by turning away from the world and coming to Christ." He has promised His help, His love, and His forgiveness when we come to Him in humility. "In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)
I can think of no better reason to be of good cheer.
Viva la Vida.
I read an amazing article in the Ensign today that talked about this very subject. I highly recommend it, it can be found online here or on page 57 of the July 2011 Ensign. I think the adversary didn't want me to read it, because I literally started to read it six times before I was finally able to finish the whole thing uninterrupted. And when I finally did, I was really glad. The author pointed out a number of things that really stood out to me.
First, "Obedience to God is not insurance against pain and sadness." It's a false assumption to think that if we're perfect, life will be perfect. To quote a favorite movie, "Life IS pain, Princess. Anyone who says differently is selling something." (Princess Bride).
Challenges, trials, and tests of faith are an inherent part of life, and they are no respecter of persons. Everyone suffers, even those who strive daily to keep all the commandments. Therefore, we can be of good cheer even in the midst of the trial, knowing that pain and suffering doesn't mean God is punishing us, or that we're bad people.
Second, if we believe that we have to be perfect before the Atonement will cover us - we're wrong. It's easy to think that we have to be perfect in all things and then Christ's atonement will kick in and relieve us of the heavy burdens we bear.
I have come to know that our Heavenly Father does not leave anyone to struggle alone, trying to lift the burden of perfection without His help. The only catch is simply that we have to turn to Him. Sometimes that involves acknowledging personal weakness. Sometimes it takes repentance, or humility. No matter what it requires, the promise is that the weight will lift from our shoulders, and we can find joy through Him.
"Cheerfulness in the scriptural context connotes a divinely assured optimism, "a deep trust in God's unfolding purposes," a grounded conviction that God will always keep His promises.... True happiness and satisfaction are found only by turning away from the world and coming to Christ." He has promised His help, His love, and His forgiveness when we come to Him in humility. "In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)
I can think of no better reason to be of good cheer.
Viva la Vida.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
June 11
- I didn't oversleep today. I got right up at 7am, even though it was Saturday. It felt good.
- A hot-air balloon floated right down the middle of our street today. I think hot air balloons are simply fabulous. So cheerful-looking!
- We went shopping for vacation items today. For some reason, I love filling my basket with random household items, so much more than I love filling it with clothing. I'm excited to someday have my own home to shop for.
- It was a beautiful, beautiful summer day - skies so blue you could fall right in.
- I have Harry Potter movie premiere tickets reserved. July 15 - right at midnight.
- My mom makes amazing chicken noodle soup. I want to be just like her when I grow up - if I ever grow up.
- I got my very last letter today. Just over two weeks now. It was a strange feeling, reading it. Just a normal letter - nothing different or extraordinary about it. But to add it to the packet of precious letters from the last two years and know that it was the last one - that was a strange feeling. It doesn't seem real. I don't think it will ever seem real, not until it happens. July will be a strange and beautiful and wonderful month.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Live Mindfully
New mantra.
Here's a question: How many of you can remember who you talked to first this morning? Where were you? How many people passed by you while you were conversing? What color were the other person's eyes? What did you talk about? What was the other person wearing?
What color are the mountains? How many colors? Could you sketch from memory the basic shapes of them?
How did you get to _____ this morning? Did you pass any people? How many of them were talking on phones? Were there birds chirping? How many different kinds of trees did you pass, or were they all the same?
Flowers are popping out all over campus. Stop and look at one. REALLY look at it. What do you see? How many colors? How many parts? What shape are they?
So much of life is spent rushing from place to place, constantly "doing" and never seeing, hearing, noticing whatever is around us. The Buddhist view is that we must live mindfully, for this is all there is to life. While I certainly don't believe that, I agree that I spend much of my time focused on the future, either close or distant, and I miss the moments happening all around me.
My challenge to myself is to be where I am. Really be there. To really see people when I look at them, to really experience my surroundings. It's not that hard with a little practice, but it adds ever so much depth and beauty and meaning to life.
Live mindfully.
Viva la Vida.
Here's a question: How many of you can remember who you talked to first this morning? Where were you? How many people passed by you while you were conversing? What color were the other person's eyes? What did you talk about? What was the other person wearing?
What color are the mountains? How many colors? Could you sketch from memory the basic shapes of them?
How did you get to
Flowers are popping out all over campus. Stop and look at one. REALLY look at it. What do you see? How many colors? How many parts? What shape are they?
So much of life is spent rushing from place to place, constantly "doing" and never seeing, hearing, noticing whatever is around us. The Buddhist view is that we must live mindfully, for this is all there is to life. While I certainly don't believe that, I agree that I spend much of my time focused on the future, either close or distant, and I miss the moments happening all around me.
My challenge to myself is to be where I am. Really be there. To really see people when I look at them, to really experience my surroundings. It's not that hard with a little practice, but it adds ever so much depth and beauty and meaning to life.
Live mindfully.
Viva la Vida.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Decision...
One the one hand: Friends, cold apartment, possible ants, and a full year contract to have to sell part of.
On the other hand: Strangers, probably warm apartment, probably no ants, and not having to sell the contract, barring life changes.
So. Is living with people who are already sort of my friends worth it? How the heck to decide?
On the other hand: Strangers, probably warm apartment, probably no ants, and not having to sell the contract, barring life changes.
So. Is living with people who are already sort of my friends worth it? How the heck to decide?
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Trapped
Do you ever feel like your life is run by the requirement to always make the most practical and logical decision in every situation, whether it's what you really want to do or not?
I do.
Sometimes I feel like Rapunzel in Tangled, trapped in a tower of my own making, a tower made by the little voice in my head that won't let me do anything that doesn't lead straight to the practical, efficient, logical life I have planned out for myself. No surprises. No major bumps. Prepared for anything. No impulsive decisions, making decisions on whims, or following my heart allowed if it contradicts the life plan and schedule I have.
So it's a fight between the two sides of me: do the practical thing, be prepared, be logical, or take risks, chase dreams, follow whims. Where is the balance?
I feel like I'm forty years old with the weight of my whole life riding on every single decision I make.
I do.
Sometimes I feel like Rapunzel in Tangled, trapped in a tower of my own making, a tower made by the little voice in my head that won't let me do anything that doesn't lead straight to the practical, efficient, logical life I have planned out for myself. No surprises. No major bumps. Prepared for anything. No impulsive decisions, making decisions on whims, or following my heart allowed if it contradicts the life plan and schedule I have.
So it's a fight between the two sides of me: do the practical thing, be prepared, be logical, or take risks, chase dreams, follow whims. Where is the balance?
I feel like I'm forty years old with the weight of my whole life riding on every single decision I make.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Measuring up
This morning I was perusing blogs I follow of friends and acquaintances, some single, some married. I looked at pictures of their families, read posts about their recent craft or home improvement projects, their straight-A semesters. I looked with envy at the cute dresses a friend had sewn for her little girl, marveled at how beautifully a young couple's new home had been decorated.
I tell myself I read these things to "find inspiration" or "get ideas." However, I think it's safe to say that every time I finish reading, I feel the sad realization that I'm never going to measure up to these women. I'm not an expert seamstress, and I lack the patience for very detailed work. I work very hard in school, but I don't always ace every class. I'm taking an interior design class, but I don't feel confident in my ability to decorate a home with taste and perfect coordination.
It's easy to look at these women and suddenly feel like a complete failure. Thoughts of never measuring up, never being good at these things, someday being a poor wife and mother creep in the instant I let down my guard. I think, actually, I know, this is a common problem among sisters in the Church. We want to be that "perfect" person in every aspect of our lives, and there's always someone that we can look at and idolize, placing them on a pedestal of perfect sisterhood. Elder Wirthlin gave some valuable council, though, in an article from 2001 that was quoted in the February Ensign:
"Let me cite a hypothetical example of a dear sister in any ward, the one who has perfect children who never cause a disturbance in church. She is the one working on her 20th generation in her family history, keeps an immaculate home, has memorized the book of Mark, and makes wool sweaters for the orphaned children in Romania. No disrespect, of course, intended for any of these worthy goals. Now, when you get tempted to throw your hands in the air and give up because of this dear sister, please remember you're not competing with her any more than I'm competing with the members of the Quorum of the Twelve in winning a 50-yard dash.
"The only thing you need to worry about is striving to be the best you can be. And how do you do that? You keep your eye on the goals that matter most in life, and you move towards them step by step." (Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, "One Step after Another," Ensign, Nov. 2001)
Every child of God who has ever been or ever will be has been blessed with divine talents and attributes that make them special and successful in the eyes of the Lord, if they strive to improve upon them and use them to build His kingdom. Maybe I'm not good at sewing or crafting, but I have other talents, and God knows that, and in His eyes I am just as special as anyone else. It's not a competition - it's a personalized life experience, the point of which is to become the person Heavenly Father knows we can truly be, someone like Him.
I love the Gospel!
I tell myself I read these things to "find inspiration" or "get ideas." However, I think it's safe to say that every time I finish reading, I feel the sad realization that I'm never going to measure up to these women. I'm not an expert seamstress, and I lack the patience for very detailed work. I work very hard in school, but I don't always ace every class. I'm taking an interior design class, but I don't feel confident in my ability to decorate a home with taste and perfect coordination.
It's easy to look at these women and suddenly feel like a complete failure. Thoughts of never measuring up, never being good at these things, someday being a poor wife and mother creep in the instant I let down my guard. I think, actually, I know, this is a common problem among sisters in the Church. We want to be that "perfect" person in every aspect of our lives, and there's always someone that we can look at and idolize, placing them on a pedestal of perfect sisterhood. Elder Wirthlin gave some valuable council, though, in an article from 2001 that was quoted in the February Ensign:
"Let me cite a hypothetical example of a dear sister in any ward, the one who has perfect children who never cause a disturbance in church. She is the one working on her 20th generation in her family history, keeps an immaculate home, has memorized the book of Mark, and makes wool sweaters for the orphaned children in Romania. No disrespect, of course, intended for any of these worthy goals. Now, when you get tempted to throw your hands in the air and give up because of this dear sister, please remember you're not competing with her any more than I'm competing with the members of the Quorum of the Twelve in winning a 50-yard dash.
"The only thing you need to worry about is striving to be the best you can be. And how do you do that? You keep your eye on the goals that matter most in life, and you move towards them step by step." (Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, "One Step after Another," Ensign, Nov. 2001)
Every child of God who has ever been or ever will be has been blessed with divine talents and attributes that make them special and successful in the eyes of the Lord, if they strive to improve upon them and use them to build His kingdom. Maybe I'm not good at sewing or crafting, but I have other talents, and God knows that, and in His eyes I am just as special as anyone else. It's not a competition - it's a personalized life experience, the point of which is to become the person Heavenly Father knows we can truly be, someone like Him.
I love the Gospel!
Friday, February 4, 2011
In His Hands
We always say that the Lord will never place upon us any trial or challenge that we are unable to bear.
That's not true. Sometimes He does. Sometimes we aren't strong enough to make it through the trial.
Not alone, anyway.
Ether 12:27: "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
Sometimes when it looks like there isn't any light at the end of the tunnel, it's because there isn't. Sometimes when we think we'll never make it through a particular trial, it's because we won't. Sometimes when it seems things will never get better, it's because they aren't going to. Not unless we accept the fact that we can't do it on our own, and turn to the Lord for help, submitting ourselves to His will and allowing Him to show us the way.
Sometimes that's hard, because it requires letting go of a lot of stubborn pride. Sometimes things still don't work out the way we expect them to. But they will work out; if we place our faith in Him and His power.
D&C 84:88: "And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."
That's not true. Sometimes He does. Sometimes we aren't strong enough to make it through the trial.
Not alone, anyway.
Ether 12:27: "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
Sometimes when it looks like there isn't any light at the end of the tunnel, it's because there isn't. Sometimes when we think we'll never make it through a particular trial, it's because we won't. Sometimes when it seems things will never get better, it's because they aren't going to. Not unless we accept the fact that we can't do it on our own, and turn to the Lord for help, submitting ourselves to His will and allowing Him to show us the way.
Sometimes that's hard, because it requires letting go of a lot of stubborn pride. Sometimes things still don't work out the way we expect them to. But they will work out; if we place our faith in Him and His power.
D&C 84:88: "And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."
Sunday, January 2, 2011
My happy new year
It's 2011.
I'm very, incredibly excited about this.
I kind of thought this year would never come.
There's not words to express how excited I am that it finally did.
Goodbye, 2010. I'm not going to miss you. Though I have to give you credit for a lot of things. Despite feeling like you were never going to end, you were, indeed, a big, year for me. A lot of things happened, and I accomplished a lot.
- I was accepted to my study abroad program in Spain.
- I made some amazing friends, one of whom I spent a memorable President's Day in St. George with. Love you, girl :)
- I addicted myself to the tv show Psych (which I don't regret) and macaroni and cheese (which I only sort of regret...)
- I learned how to drive a stick shift (maybe poorly, but still), played some pranks, and cried the day I got a full-tuition scholarship.
- I went to Institute for the first time ever, rediscovered a friendship I'm eternally glad I didn't let die, and spent time on memory lane with another good friend.
- I went to California for the first time, went on a cruise for the first time, and went to the dentist with no cavities for the first time... hehe.
- I went to Mexico (okay, for six hours, but that counts, right?) Disneyland, St George, San Diego, Jackson Hole, and Idaho Falls, all with my mom who I love very much :)
- I completed a number of home repair projects, some minor sewing projects, and watched a lot of soccer. Yay World Cup!
- I saw Carrie Underwood in concert at Stadium of Fire.
- I ran 6 miles straight for the first time ever.
- I got on an airplane and flew transatlantic to another country, where I learned the language, the culture, and a lifetime of knowledge about myself, who I am, and what I am capable of doing and becoming. It was the most amazing three months of my entire life.
- I got a new job, which I love, spent a month celebrating Christmas, and now I'm ready for another year.
Thanks, 2010, for all you taught me. I look back at the person I was a year ago - my hopes, dreams, wishes, feelings, everything, and then I look at who I am today, and I'm happy with the result. I guess that's the best I can ask for, right? 2010 wasn't a picnic by any means; it was full of trials like any other year, some of which included decisions more difficult than any I've ever faced. But I made it. And that's the important part.
Hello, 2011. What lessons, trials, miracles, and blessings have you got in store for me?
I'm very, incredibly excited about this.
I kind of thought this year would never come.
There's not words to express how excited I am that it finally did.
Goodbye, 2010. I'm not going to miss you. Though I have to give you credit for a lot of things. Despite feeling like you were never going to end, you were, indeed, a big, year for me. A lot of things happened, and I accomplished a lot.
- I was accepted to my study abroad program in Spain.
- I made some amazing friends, one of whom I spent a memorable President's Day in St. George with. Love you, girl :)
- I addicted myself to the tv show Psych (which I don't regret) and macaroni and cheese (which I only sort of regret...)
- I learned how to drive a stick shift (maybe poorly, but still), played some pranks, and cried the day I got a full-tuition scholarship.
- I went to Institute for the first time ever, rediscovered a friendship I'm eternally glad I didn't let die, and spent time on memory lane with another good friend.
- I went to California for the first time, went on a cruise for the first time, and went to the dentist with no cavities for the first time... hehe.
- I went to Mexico (okay, for six hours, but that counts, right?) Disneyland, St George, San Diego, Jackson Hole, and Idaho Falls, all with my mom who I love very much :)
- I completed a number of home repair projects, some minor sewing projects, and watched a lot of soccer. Yay World Cup!
- I saw Carrie Underwood in concert at Stadium of Fire.
- I ran 6 miles straight for the first time ever.
- I got on an airplane and flew transatlantic to another country, where I learned the language, the culture, and a lifetime of knowledge about myself, who I am, and what I am capable of doing and becoming. It was the most amazing three months of my entire life.
- I got a new job, which I love, spent a month celebrating Christmas, and now I'm ready for another year.
Thanks, 2010, for all you taught me. I look back at the person I was a year ago - my hopes, dreams, wishes, feelings, everything, and then I look at who I am today, and I'm happy with the result. I guess that's the best I can ask for, right? 2010 wasn't a picnic by any means; it was full of trials like any other year, some of which included decisions more difficult than any I've ever faced. But I made it. And that's the important part.
Hello, 2011. What lessons, trials, miracles, and blessings have you got in store for me?
Saturday, December 18, 2010
I don't like Christmas
I had a mind-boggling realization today.
I don't like Christmas.
Day.
I love the Christmas season with all my heart. I love lights, newfallen snow, decorating cookies, Christmas music. I love shopping for the perfect gift, and usually not finding it until you've almost given up. I love making gifts more than anything. I love watching Christmas movies, especially White Christmas and It's a Wonderful Life. I love the magic of decorating the Christmas tree and then turning off all the lights in the house and just sitting under it and staring at the lights, sipping hot cocoa and eating Keebler's Jingles cookies until you fall asleep and dream about magic.
But I'm not the biggest fan of Christmas Day itself.
Maybe it's the fact that in my family, dinner was on Christmas Eve, all the big things were Christmas Eve, there was no extended family to party with on Christmas, and after noon or so it was just over. When I think about the actual Christmas morning, especially now that I'm older and am not as excited about getting that special gift (although I won't lie, I am DYING to drive around town singing to Taylor Swift's new album at the top of my lungs, just sayin'), but yeah, it's just kind of a letdown. What I look forward to most about it is seeing how others like the gifts I got for them, and hoping that they catch a glimpse of how much effort and thought I tried to put into getting them something special.
Christmas, after all, isn't about getting stuff. And for all the things I love about the season, it's not really about any of that, either. Christmas is about Christ - about his birth, his life, and the life He continues to live so that we, too, can live. Because of Christmas, I'm here, living the life I've been given - having adventures, making mistakes, experiencing new things, and learning to truly live. When I think about it that way, it casts a feeling of awe and reverence over the typical carol-singing and cookie-eating.
I guess what it really comes down to, as one of my very favorite characters stated so wisely, "Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas means a little bit more."
It does. And that's what I truly love about Christmas.
Viva la Vida.
I don't like Christmas.
Day.
I love the Christmas season with all my heart. I love lights, newfallen snow, decorating cookies, Christmas music. I love shopping for the perfect gift, and usually not finding it until you've almost given up. I love making gifts more than anything. I love watching Christmas movies, especially White Christmas and It's a Wonderful Life. I love the magic of decorating the Christmas tree and then turning off all the lights in the house and just sitting under it and staring at the lights, sipping hot cocoa and eating Keebler's Jingles cookies until you fall asleep and dream about magic.
But I'm not the biggest fan of Christmas Day itself.
Maybe it's the fact that in my family, dinner was on Christmas Eve, all the big things were Christmas Eve, there was no extended family to party with on Christmas, and after noon or so it was just over. When I think about the actual Christmas morning, especially now that I'm older and am not as excited about getting that special gift (although I won't lie, I am DYING to drive around town singing to Taylor Swift's new album at the top of my lungs, just sayin'), but yeah, it's just kind of a letdown. What I look forward to most about it is seeing how others like the gifts I got for them, and hoping that they catch a glimpse of how much effort and thought I tried to put into getting them something special.
Christmas, after all, isn't about getting stuff. And for all the things I love about the season, it's not really about any of that, either. Christmas is about Christ - about his birth, his life, and the life He continues to live so that we, too, can live. Because of Christmas, I'm here, living the life I've been given - having adventures, making mistakes, experiencing new things, and learning to truly live. When I think about it that way, it casts a feeling of awe and reverence over the typical carol-singing and cookie-eating.
I guess what it really comes down to, as one of my very favorite characters stated so wisely, "Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas means a little bit more."
It does. And that's what I truly love about Christmas.
Viva la Vida.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Rearview Mirror
Have you ever done something you're not proud of?
Been someone you didn't like?
Asked a question that was incredibly unnecessary?
Done something stupid and then mentally kicked yourself for days?
Wished with all your heart you could go back and change the past?
I know I've done all these things on occasion. Especially the last one. But I heard something the other day, I don't remember if it was a commercial or song lyrics or what, but it used the phrase, "looking in the rearview mirror of my life."
It made me think a lot about rearview mirrors.
Everybody's got one. That's not the important part. The important part is that we have windshields, too. And the windshield is waaaay bigger than the rearview mirror. It means that the past is a part of the future, but the future swallows up the past, and there's a whole lot of road up there to live, to fill with good and better things, to improve upon.
It's like knitting a scarf. The first part can be lumpy and uneven, but it gets better as it goes along. I guess life's like that sometimes. You figure it out. It's never going to be perfect, tied up neatly, lined up straight. There'll be problems and trials and plenty of mistakes. But that's not the important part. The important part is keeping going forward. Focus on the good in life, and the good in yourself. Smile. It's so much happier that way.
Viva la Vida.
Been someone you didn't like?
Asked a question that was incredibly unnecessary?
Done something stupid and then mentally kicked yourself for days?
Wished with all your heart you could go back and change the past?
I know I've done all these things on occasion. Especially the last one. But I heard something the other day, I don't remember if it was a commercial or song lyrics or what, but it used the phrase, "looking in the rearview mirror of my life."
It made me think a lot about rearview mirrors.
Everybody's got one. That's not the important part. The important part is that we have windshields, too. And the windshield is waaaay bigger than the rearview mirror. It means that the past is a part of the future, but the future swallows up the past, and there's a whole lot of road up there to live, to fill with good and better things, to improve upon.
It's like knitting a scarf. The first part can be lumpy and uneven, but it gets better as it goes along. I guess life's like that sometimes. You figure it out. It's never going to be perfect, tied up neatly, lined up straight. There'll be problems and trials and plenty of mistakes. But that's not the important part. The important part is keeping going forward. Focus on the good in life, and the good in yourself. Smile. It's so much happier that way.
Viva la Vida.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Rewind
Today was my last official Spain study abroad day.
We're going to party on the beach for a few days, and I'll have another half a day in Alcala, but today was the last official day.
It was a really long day for various reasons. I wasn't proud of myself today, I wasn't really myself at all, and I'm hoping that tomorrow is better, and I'm a better, nicer, and kinder person.
In the meantime, I'd really like to just do today all over again, starting yesterday around 9pm, actually. Too bad life doesn't have a remote control.
We're going to party on the beach for a few days, and I'll have another half a day in Alcala, but today was the last official day.
It was a really long day for various reasons. I wasn't proud of myself today, I wasn't really myself at all, and I'm hoping that tomorrow is better, and I'm a better, nicer, and kinder person.
In the meantime, I'd really like to just do today all over again, starting yesterday around 9pm, actually. Too bad life doesn't have a remote control.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Read at your own risk
Yes, this is going to be a venting post, because I'm up to my ears right now. Yes, this is about my life and my future and not knowing what the heck I'm doing with it - not for any lack of ideas or resources, but simply for the overabundance of them and my inability to figure out what I really want. Then also, that frustrating longing to dance again like I used to that just plain will not go away, no matter what I do (you know, I thought going to Spain would finally help me get over that - no go. I miss it like crazy.) And then the frustration of not being able to fit a dance class in my schedule this next semester because I have to have a block of time to work. And then there's also wondering what exactly it is that I'm majoring in, and what I want to do with whatever that happens to be, honestly, I'm about ready to throw in the towel and drop out of college and go back to clogging. I think I was happier there - not to mention I was me and I knew what I wanted. To dance. The rest of my life.
What the heck happened?!?!
What the heck happened?!?!
Monday, November 1, 2010
Cast off the chains
Momentary abandonment of nearly all reason creates a surprisingly euphoric sense of liberation.
Doors open up before me. Barriers previously deemed so important crumble like miniature versions of the Berlin Wall, inhibitions and worries and fears fleeing before the dawn of endless possibilities flooding my mind. Faith cannot coexist with fear, and when fear is gone, the sun can rise on a beautiful new day. I pride myself on my practical nature. Abandoning practicality for a moment or two feels like skydiving into a whole new world, feels like standing on top of the tallest mountain in the blazing sunrise, feels like leaping into a pool of the clearest water imaginable.
Freedom. Sometimes the chains that bind us are not those imposed by dictators or wars or prison guards. I am my own captor, and my prisoner is myself. As binding as the chains in a prison camp are the chains of fear and insecurity, the defenses against all the "what if"s that I ask myself a thousand times a day. Release from the bonds of needing to see the end from the beginning is learning to live in the sunlight instead of the shadow.
Doors open up before me. Barriers previously deemed so important crumble like miniature versions of the Berlin Wall, inhibitions and worries and fears fleeing before the dawn of endless possibilities flooding my mind. Faith cannot coexist with fear, and when fear is gone, the sun can rise on a beautiful new day. I pride myself on my practical nature. Abandoning practicality for a moment or two feels like skydiving into a whole new world, feels like standing on top of the tallest mountain in the blazing sunrise, feels like leaping into a pool of the clearest water imaginable.
Freedom. Sometimes the chains that bind us are not those imposed by dictators or wars or prison guards. I am my own captor, and my prisoner is myself. As binding as the chains in a prison camp are the chains of fear and insecurity, the defenses against all the "what if"s that I ask myself a thousand times a day. Release from the bonds of needing to see the end from the beginning is learning to live in the sunlight instead of the shadow.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
"Culture"
Think about it.
The Spanish arrived in South America and called the natives uncivilized and without culture because they were bloodthirsty and primitive.
But the Romans had gladiator fights, and somehow that's "culture."
And the Spanish have bullfights.
I'm actually more than 95% ashamed of myself for going - however, the 5% appreciation is because it solidified in my mind that I'm 100% against it. Culture or not. Six bulls died last night for absolutely no reason at all, and I paid money to go in and watch.
It's true, there's a lot of "technique" involved. It's supposed to be a showdown between the man and the bull, a place to prove the courage and valor of each, in essence, a representation of the age-old struggle between man and beast for domination.
Man wins in the end. It's a bittersweet victory - and for me, it makes them as "primitive and uncultured" as the indigenous peoples in the Americas.
So maybe I'm a strong supporter of animal rights. Maybe I'm unappreciative of cultural traditions. Maybe I'm just religious.
Moses 3:19:
"And out of the ground I, the Lord God, formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and commanded that they should come unto Adam, to see what he would call them; and they were also living souls; for I, God, breathed into them the breath of life..."
If God gave those bulls the breath of life, who are we to take it away?
I'm not saying it's never okay to kill animals. I instead side with the Native Americans - whose belief was that when man took the life from a fellow animal, it was never without a purpose - and they prayed for the soul of the animal to rest peacefully and to forgive them. Then they wasted nothing.
Somehow I don't think "cultural traditions" are going to be on the list of acceptable purposes at the end of the day. It was a waste - a waste of a beautiful life, a beautiful animal, a beautiful spirit - now in a better place than this rather messed-up world we've got down here.
The Spanish arrived in South America and called the natives uncivilized and without culture because they were bloodthirsty and primitive.
But the Romans had gladiator fights, and somehow that's "culture."
And the Spanish have bullfights.
I'm actually more than 95% ashamed of myself for going - however, the 5% appreciation is because it solidified in my mind that I'm 100% against it. Culture or not. Six bulls died last night for absolutely no reason at all, and I paid money to go in and watch.
It's true, there's a lot of "technique" involved. It's supposed to be a showdown between the man and the bull, a place to prove the courage and valor of each, in essence, a representation of the age-old struggle between man and beast for domination.
Man wins in the end. It's a bittersweet victory - and for me, it makes them as "primitive and uncultured" as the indigenous peoples in the Americas.
So maybe I'm a strong supporter of animal rights. Maybe I'm unappreciative of cultural traditions. Maybe I'm just religious.
Moses 3:19:
"And out of the ground I, the Lord God, formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and commanded that they should come unto Adam, to see what he would call them; and they were also living souls; for I, God, breathed into them the breath of life..."
If God gave those bulls the breath of life, who are we to take it away?
I'm not saying it's never okay to kill animals. I instead side with the Native Americans - whose belief was that when man took the life from a fellow animal, it was never without a purpose - and they prayed for the soul of the animal to rest peacefully and to forgive them. Then they wasted nothing.
Somehow I don't think "cultural traditions" are going to be on the list of acceptable purposes at the end of the day. It was a waste - a waste of a beautiful life, a beautiful animal, a beautiful spirit - now in a better place than this rather messed-up world we've got down here.
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