October Occurences

October was a fun month full of fun activities, a few ups and downs, and a lot of anxiousness to get to November (and then December).

Ryan and I hardly ever take pictures. Sorry.
Here's one that we did take. October was full of football. Some of the games have been a lot of fun, and others were fairly boring. Jen might have actually fallen asleep in the stadium during one of them... but that's secret. Shhh.

We also got our engagement pictures taken with Abby Alger. This was a lot of fun, and our pictures turned out absolutely beautiful! We love them. We're almost ready to submit our announcement for printing - it's getting closer!

We've had a lot of fun and also a lot of chances to get to understand each other better. I'm marrying the most humble, patient, loving, and committed man in the world. Needless to say, we're both looking forward to finish being engaged and be able to go forward with married life without the stress of planning a wedding, get through school, spend enough time with each other, balance all our other commitments and relationships, and figure out how to live in this sometimes-frustrating in-between stage. I fully endorse short engagements - by the time we arrive at the temple we will have been engaged almost four months, and it already feels like an an eternity, full of opportunities to become stressed and frustrated. We're looking forward to REAL eternity together. It won't be without its challenges, either - but it will be nice to be able to face them side by side.

Coming up in November: Bridal showers, lots of licking and sealing (announcements, not lollipops...sadly enough...), more football, dance practices for Jen and a Physics project for Ryan, Thanksgiving break, renting an apartment, finalizing the wedding plans, and many more hours together!

Heart mapping

Today in class, we had a third grade teacher come and give us a mock lesson.

We did an activity called heart mapping.

Basically it involved drawing a heart with a circle inside, and then a smaller circle inside the circle.

In the innermost circle, we put the things that mean the very most to us, like family, friends, testimony... etc.

In the outer circle, we put things we really love. Then, between the heart and the first circle, we put things we like.
Then we picked something and wrote about it. It was amazing to see how much more the writing activity meant when it was something I cared about.

But more than that, I pondered on the activity. Heart mapping. How does one map their heart? What paths do I go along, what things do I climb over to get to the things I love the most? What defenses do I have to get through to get to my most precious things, or is my heart open to anyone? Does my heart have a big "Welcome" mat on the porch, or is it locked up tight with me inside, hoping everyone will think I'm not home?

And more than that... what's in my inner circle? I can make a list. But do the people and things I say are in my inner circle actually receive enough attention and emphasis that they know they're in my inner circle?

Just something to think about.
Viva la Vida.

I should be doing homework...

But.... it's not as fun as...

Wedding dress? Check!
Furniture for apartment? Check!
Colors picked? Check!
Food for reception decided upon? Mostly check!

Aaaaand that's about as far as I've gotten. Oh snap. Three months :)

Aaaaaaaaaaannnnd if it's not too much trouble, I'd just like to say that while being engaged has its frustrating times, when you just wish like heck that time would hurry up already... knowing that I'm going to get to spend eternity with the guy I fell in love with nearly four years ago is the most amazing feeling in the world. I'm so lucky, and so happy!

And if you're tired of reading about how head over heels in love I am, you can take a refreshing break and watch this video here:

Recent favorite

I love this song.

I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
And watch as the storm blows through
And I need you

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you
Gave me you

There’s more here than what we’re seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
And I’ll be the flattered fool
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you.
He gave me you.

-God Gave Me You - Blake Shelton

I think in terms of December...

Typical conversation:

"Are you engaged?!"

"Yep!"
"Oh, congratulations, that's so exciting!"
"Yeah, we're pretty excited!"
"So when's the big day?"
"The 16th."
"Of this month?! Oh my gosh! That's so awesome!"
"Oh... no... not this month, it's the 16th of December."

I keep having to remind myself that not everyone naturally assumes that "the 16th" means December... it's going to be a long semester...

How I got engaged to the most amazing man in the world... and other such stories

I suppose everything begins with a hot Saturday afternoon sitting in Ryan's yard - having just finished a trial triathlon with his family, and discussing what we would do that night. Ryan's mom says, "Ryan, you should plan a nice date for Jen." And he says, "Okay, that sounds good." So a surprise "nice" date for me is planned for Friday. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Enter Thursday morning - and I wake up with that sinking feeling that I'm sick. Quite sick. Too sick to go to work. So I stay home, and Ryan brings me cough drops and soup, and insists I'm beautiful even though I haven't showered. Yes, I know, I'm quite a lucky girl.

Friday comes - the day we're supposed to go on the date he's planned. But I still feel pretty bad. Although he seems pretty disappointed, we decide to postpone until Saturday. He comes over and watches a movie with me, and that evening I go to bed early, and he spends the evening with his parents and a mission companion who stops by.

Saturday dawns with me feeling tired, but marginally better. I tell Ryan I feel better, but I still think perhaps we should push back this surprise date until Monday. I mean, I don't want to be no fun, or not enjoy it. However, he is quite insistent that we go. He says we'll be mostly in the car, and that it won't be tiring, and that he thinks it'll be good for me and I'll be glad I went. So I agree, somewhat reluctantly.

He picks me up and we take off in the car - armed with cough drops and a water bottle! We drive to our high school and we walk over to the sidewalk outside our old Spanish classroom. He hands me a present to open and it's a book about "our story" - which pretty much started in AP Spanish in 2007. So I read the first page, and then he says I can't read any farther. 

We then drive to a bunch of places, all places where we have memories together. And at each place I get to read another page in the book - all about how this one guy did all these things with this one girl and they both fell in love. And at each place he gives me a small gift - something that has to do with the memory at that place. It was super cute. After driving around to a number of places - Wendy's, the bowling alley, the freshman dorms, etc - we end up at the MTC - where he gives me his name tag - and I cry... I'm such a girl. Those were two good years. Long, sometimes difficult years, but rewarding, and a blessing to both of us.

Finally we start heading up the canyon. A couple times during the date, I had thought, Huh, this could be a good way to end up proposing. But I shrugged it off, because I honestly didn't think that he was ready. So we head up the canyon. At first I think we're going to Sundance - perfect ending - picnic by where our most recent nice date had been - maybe dessert or something, who knows.

Nope. We turn off at this park I've never been to before. We walk past a pavillion of people and down this little trail by the river. He opens the book and there's a picture of the exact spot we're at. At this point, I'm so confused. "Ryan, I've never been here before. What is this supposed to represent? I've never been here!" "But Jen, don't you remember?" "No, Ryan, I don't remember, I've never been here!"

"Oh... Well, that's because it hasn't happened yet."

And he turns the page over and the book continues our story, and I see the words "propose" and "forever" and I don't know whether to laugh or cry, I'm so happy, and he's kneeling down and pulling out a ring, and he said something that he apparently practiced for a long time, but I don't remember a word of it (I'm sorry, Ryan...) and I nodded, and said yes, and then he asked me if I would be his tennis doubles partner for eternity (I remember that part! inside joke) and that is how I got engaged to the most amazing man in the world. And I have never been happier in my whole, entire life!

And, like the book said, this story would normally end right here with "The end." But that's the best part of this story. There is no end.

I love him.


Viva la Vida.

New

New roommates.
New apartment.
New car.
New shoulder bag.
New semester.
New website at work.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New ring on my finger that I can't stop looking at and smiling.
New last name coming up in about 112 days, 23 hours, 43 minutes.
New kitchen appliances for US, not ME, waiting in my closet.
New smile on my face that simply won't go away. And I definitely don't want it to!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Proposal story coming soon, for those of you who are interested and haven't already heard it!

Just thinking

{senior prom}

{graduation}

 

{mission farewell}

{valencia, spain}

{three and a half years after the beginning}

I love him.

Too good for a title

Seriously. There's simply not a title I could imagine up that could accurately capture the fabulousness of life right now.

• Bowling
• Long walks in the wind
• Dinners
• Swimming 
• Movies
• Games
• Miniature golf
• FHE
• Running
• Basketball

 All a part of the whirlwind I call life the last three weeks. We finally took a picture.

 

You can see I haven't changed much. I can't resist ruining a perfectly good picture :)

This one is better.

Life is beautiful and amazing and I love it!

Viva la Vida.

True smiles

In the movie "Win a Date with Tad Hamilton," which a very good friend so kindly introduced me to, one of the characters describes another character's different smiles.

It made me think. Don't we all have different smiles?

The I'm irritated but trying to be nice smile.
The That was genuinely funny and I'm quite entertained smile.
The Will you hurry up and take this darn picture smile.

But on a more basic level, nearly everyone has at least two distinct smiles: the picture-taking smile and the spontaneous, truly happy or joyful smile.

I got to see one of the latter tonight, one that I hadn't seen in a long, long time. And that was the best moment out of a thousand million wonderful moments all strung together - and a moment I'm not likely to forget.

Viva la Vida.

The Fairytale Boundary

Ever wondered where the border between fairytales and real life is?

It manifests itself in life, friendships, and relationships at the very moment when things stop being ideal and start being real.

Face it; life is real. People are human. This world isn't perfect. At some point, the perfectly timed and coordinated ideal life or relationship falls apart because something happens, or someone messes up, or by the mere fact that the people involved are human and subject to occasional error. And the fairytale falls apart.

This is the part they don't usually show in movies - and if they do, they have it all resolve and work out all perfect and beautiful, even more fairytale-like than it was before. Unfortunately, real life isn't that scripted. Sometimes people mess up and things fall apart and they don't get resolved for a while, and when they do, the patch is messy and smeared and unattractive - not the cute, perfect story you would write in your journal and draw pink hearts around.

The border between fairytales and real life is a bittersweet boundary. You can put yourself in denial and stay on one side of that line, resist crossing it, close your eyes to reality and hope that things will just stay perfect forever. But they won't, and sooner or later you'll open your eyes and realize you've been kidding yourself this whole time, and you'll probably end up with a whole lot of disillusionment and disappointment.

Or you can look at it another way. In the story of Lehi's dream, the people traveling toward the beautiful tree had to cross a mist of darkness first. It was messy. It was dark. It wasn't fun, and there were many tears shed. But those who persevered, who stuck it out, who recognized that life is messy and hard and sometimes hurts, those are the ones who reached their destination. And when they did, they were real people, full of real emotions, feelings, having experienced joy and pain, loss and love, trial and blessing. These were those who had suffered and come out greater because of it, who had learned to repent, and learned to forgive, who had learned to find joy in the journey.

"Life IS pain, Princess." said Wesley in The Princess Bride. "Anyone who tells you differently is selling something."

Like movie makers, perhaps? Those who would exploit our need for happiness, even at the cost of real life, these are those who sell us the idea that life is a fairytale, and it should be perfect, and the people in our lives should be perfect, and we should be perfect, too. No wonder divorce rates rise, depression and dissatisfaction percentages rise, suicide rates rise. We've forgotten that crossing the fairytale boundary, though painful, and sometimes more than a little scary, brings real joy, lasting joy, and changes you for the better. The kind of joy when you disagree with that loved one, and then you make up and come to better appreciate one another because of it. The kind of joy when you realize that some dreams simply won't come true, no matter what you do, but that there is much life to be lived even if they don't. The kind of joy that comes from letting go when it's time to let go, and holding on, even when you don't want to, or it's hard, or people tell you to just give up, or mock your conviction. This is the real world, the one we live in, the one that we're a part of.

The fairytale boundary is scary. It's a cross-me-at-your-own-risk sort of line. It's got warning signs that say Pain, Trials, Disappointment, and Hurt ahead. But beyond the first hills, there's something waiting. Something to become. Something to learn. Something to experience. And on the other side of the fairytale boundary is joy beyond anything the fairytale world could even hope to mimic.

And that's what they call a true happily ever after.

I'm a closet romantic

Minus the closet.

I posted this on Facebook, but then I decided to expound.

I've always been proud of not being a "fall for it" kind of person. I don't swoon over celebrities, don't crush on the cute guy I saw at the store for a split second, don't even fall for the attractive Elder's Quorum president or the nice Activities committee cochair. None of that for me. I'm way too practical - seriously, celebrities? They have a new girl every minute, and there's no way I want even ten minutes of that lifestyle. And really, I'm never going to see that guy in the store again. The Elder's quorum president isn't my type, not one bit, and the activities committee cochair could maybe be perfect for me, but he'd never realize it in a million years. See? Ridiculous to even think about it, much less act on it!

I probably come off super practical, a bit cynical, and just plain disinterested.

The reader would be surprised, then, to see the play count of several popular love songs on my iPod.
They would be surprised to have seen me devouring LDS romantic fiction all afternoon, a longtime Sunday tradition recently reinstated.
They'd definitely be surprised to get hold of my journal or my notebook of poetry I've written off and on through the years, especially the Spanish ones.
And counting the amount of time spent daydreaming is definitely out of the question.

Then again, maybe my practical and disinterested facade isn't as flawless as I like to think it is. Maybe this isn't so surprising after all.

And as long as my fondness for romanticism - in both the literary and relationship sense - is out, I might as well share this quote at the end of my book tonight:

"...and she would know throughout all time the true definition of celestial: eternity with the one you love."

El Muelle de San Blas

So I've fallen in love with this song by Mana. It's so sad... but so beautiful.

Here's the translation; it's more beautiful in Spanish, but this is pretty close.

She said goodbye to her love
He left in a ship from the San Blas dock
He swore he would come back
And through her tears she swore she would wait
A thousand moons came and went,
And she was still at the dock, waiting.
Many sunsets reflected
In her hair and on her lips.

She wore the same dress
So that when he came back,
He would not mistake her.
Crabs bit her, her dress, her sadness and her illusion.
And time went by,
Her eyes were filled with the dawn.
She fell in love with the sea
And her body became a part of the dock

Alone, alone in memories
Alone, alone with her spirit
Alone, alone with her love, the sea
Alone at the San Blas dock

Her hair turned white
But no ship brought back her love
And in the village people called her
The crazy woman of the San Blas dock
And one April afternoon
They tried to take her to the asylum
But no one could take her away
And they never separated her from the sea

Alone, alone in memories
Alone, alone with her spirit
Alone, alone with her love, the sea
Alone at the San Blas dock
Alone, alone she stayed…

Forever memories

The sense of smell is the most powerful memory in the human mind.

You never really forget smells. You might forget what they are, but even if it's been years and years, you'll recognize a smell when you smell it again.

Today I was walking down a street in Spain, talking about something with a friend, and suddenly I wasn't in Spain anymore, I was in a tent with the sun shining through the pine trees, using an old foot pump to blow up an air mattress that smelled strongly of plasticky rubber.

Memories attached to smells are so vivid.

Some of my best memories smell like bubblegum chapstick, warm apple cider, wet grass in the early morning, movie theater popcorn, salty ocean air, new suit straight from the store, french fries, and mountains.

If only I could capture it, remember it, hold moments in a bottle, perhaps preserved like cologne, keep them in a closet labeled Scents of the Past, release them only in the desperate moments where I feel like the memories are rapidly unraveling, slipping through the cracks of my mind, keep them from escaping the confines of my heart.

My Wish

"My wish for you is that life becomes all that you want it to.
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold.
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you,
And wants the same things too."

This has been my very favorite song for the past... three years. Hands down. Nothing tops it. I often listen to it and think about my life, thinking about all the people that love me, that feel that way about me, thinking about all the things I want my life to become. I think about my dreams, the ones that came true, the ones that didn't, the ones I still wait for and hold in my heart, and the ones I'm living every single day.

However, more often than I think about my dreams and the wishes I have for me, I think about the people I care about more than anything, and the wishes I have for them. And somehow, it means a lot more to me than my own dreams and my own wishes. There's something wonderful about seeing someone else's dream come true, watching their successes, their happinesses. Loving others somehow makes more of a difference in my life than any amount of love anyone has for me.

"If it's cold outside,
Show the world the warmth of your smile"

When you share a smile, you can't see it yourself.
But it blesses your life anyway.


- song: My Wish - Rascal Flatts

A taste of tarea...

Original poetry by me:

Dígame, compañera, ¿por qué no puedo dormir?

¿Por qué aparece en mis sueños?

Su voz me despierta con la salida del sol

Y le recuerdo con mucho cariño.

Dígame, compañera, ¿qué debo hacer?

Porque por mí no tiene amor.

Y su novia con sus ojos hermosos

Me hace llorar cuando suena el despertador.

Dígame, compañera, ¿qué voy a decir?

Cuando le veo en la clase mañana.

¿Voy a quedarme callada y sufrir eternamente?

¿O voy a mostrarle que estoy enamorada?

This is called a jarcha. (Harchah). It's a form of poetry from way back in the hmm 1500s I think? It was written by a man, but it was written as if it were one girl talking to a sister, friend, mother, etc, about love. Therefore it used lots of dramatic elements and such to make it sound like an overly emotional girl. This is definitely the most dramatic thing I've ever written. It kind of makes me disgusted with myself just to read it... haha.

Oh, and for you ingles-speakers (hmm, that would be all of you... haha) here is an approximated translation:

Tell me, roommate, why can't I sleep?

Why does he appear in my dreams?

His voice awakens me with the sunrise

And I remember him with much affection.

Tell me, roommate, what should I do?

Because he has no love for me.

And his girlfriend with her beautiful eyes

Makes me cry when I wake to my alarm.

Tell me, roommate, what am I going to say?

When I see him in class tomorrow?

Am I going to keep quiet and suffer eternally

Or will I show him that I am in love?

Yeah, it sounds much better in Spanish, with the rhyme and such, but, that's the gist of it! Hope you enjoyed it... now I have to go write two essays and read three stories and make some flashcards of Visigoth architecture, what the heck, I thought I was on vacation over here?!?!

Smiling...

So sometimes random things make me smile.

Today I was thinking about what classes I was going to take winter semester. And I was thinking winter 2010, oh wait, no, winter 2011... 2011? and I smiled.

I took a picture of my fish today, because he is sick and I wanted to show the picture to the pet store man, and when looking at it I can see a photo in a photo frame sitting behind the tank in the picture. And I smiled again.

This random song by David Archuleta came on my Pandora at work, and I smiled.

I was rifling through my purse and my planner fell out and fell open to a page I'd doodled on, and I looked at it and smiled.

I kinda like smiling. :)

June 24

I figure today is a good day for looking back at the past year and thinking about life. It's interesting how much can happen in just 365 days.

For example, in the past year I chose a major and a minor. I got the best grades yet and raised my GPA by a lot. I moved three times. I made the decision to go on study abroad and applied and was accepted to the program.
I held two callings in my ward and learned a lot from both of them. I learned how to drive a stick shift car. I painted and finished a nightstand. I spent a day hiking in the sand in St George with a really great friend. I watched the US win a World Cup football/soccer game.
I went visiting teaching almost 100%. I made more new friends than I can count, and re-made friends with a lot of old friends. I ate a lot of ice cream. I learned how to play the guitar. I had one of the best, and most different, Christmases ever. I re-developed an interest in art and started a picture I've wanted to draw for a long time. I ate macaroni and cheese almost every Sunday. I learned just exactly what love means.
I made friends with a few people in other countries. I had a sleepover in a blanket fort with some of the best friends I've ever had. I watched a lot of Disney movies. I worked more than I ever have in any given year. I ran the most I ever have, getting clear up to six miles. I watched NFL for the first time and discovered I love football.
I learned that sometimes being right isn't actually very important. I went to the temple every single month. I read my scriptures every single day, except for a couple of days where I was really sick. I learned how to cook and discovered I really enjoy it. I developed an interest in sewing and made some fun projects. I read the Book of Mormon all the way through again.

I read this quote just a couple of weeks ago. "It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-by-day basis." I think this is the most important thing I've learned this past year - that life is meant to be lived. I have learned, more than ever, to wake up each morning infinitely grateful that I have another day to live, learn, love, and experience the joy that comes from living life to the very fullest.

Sometimes I wonder what the next 365 days will bring. Something amazing, I'm sure.

The circle of our love.

You know, they say that the idea that people met in the premortal world and were meant to find each other and be together is false doctrine. They don't believe there's one person out there for you to meet and that you're supposed to be with.

I believe.

Love is...

Love...

Love is being yourself, no pretenses, no acts.

Love is never selfish, never mean, never demanding.

Love is placing the hopes and dreams and feelings of the one you love above those of yourself, even if it might be hard, even if it hurts, and especially if it requires sacrifice.

Love is not compromise. Love is making the best decision, together, and agreeing on it.

Love is offering a shoulder to cry on even when you want to cry yourself.

Love is seeing people's potential to become, and asking yourself how you can help them become it.

Love is accepting people as they are and encouraging them to be the best they can be.

Love is knowing that you'll disagree, and remembering that you can overcome the disagreement.

Love is never expecting more than you're willing to give.

Love is knowing that you're not perfect, and that the other person isn't perfect, and recognizing that it doesn't really matter.