Fulfillment

Six years of Spanish paid off when I had the chance to talk to my neighbor today and finally start to get to know her, what she's like, who she is, and, more importantly, let her know that I'm sorry for the misunderstandings of the past between her family and mine, and that I am sorry we didn't get to know one another sooner. We shared a great discussion on the value of friendship and loving one another, in Spanish, while she and her cousin helped my mom and I tear bamboo roots away from the sidewalk and we all partied with brooms and dustpans and smiles. It was the fulfillment of a longtime goal: to make it right, to make up for the way my dad acted toward them, and to right the wrongs of the past and hopefully begin a brighter future.

This is why I love my major - I'm starting to break down communication barriers and eradicating cross-cultural miscommunications - one conversation at a time.

April 24th

Semester over.
Home for the summer.
Almost 20 years old.
Ten months.

Life is good.

Rain

It rained today :)

I suppose I should explain that. I had a friend once who had a test canceled because it rained, and ever since then, saying that it "rained" means that an unexpected and much-needed miracle has occurred.

And it has...

I've stressed out about getting a job for so long I had never considered the possibility of getting a scholarship - plus, my GPA wasn't high enough this year. But I opened my email today to find that I've been awarded full tuition for next school year, even though my GPA wasn't high enough, because the award was based on my essays, not my GPA. Four thousand dollars. And here I've been stressing out because I couldn't find another job, which would keep me from earning about 2,000 dollars. I was blessed with double my dreams today, and it really makes me want to cry every time I think about it. It's just that amazing! I get to write a thank you letter that will be given to the donor, and I don't even know what I could possibly say to explain how much this means to me. I just don't even know.

Isn't it cool how when we try our best to do what's right, God takes our humble requests and grants them in ways we never even expected were possible? I'm so, so grateful for that!

the monster under the bed

I learned about another person who has cancer today.

I suppose I should confess that cancer and disease are one of my deepest fears. I try very hard to keep that part of life separate from my own, keep from seeing it, thinking about it, encountering it. I guess maybe it's one of those "if I pretend it isn't there, it won't be" kind of things. But it seems that especially lately, cancer has been encroaching on the edges of the territory of my life, and it frightens me. I hate the thought of a disease that has no known cure, one the the treatments debilitate you to the point that many times it seems life isn't even worth fighting for anymore, a disease that takes the young and the old and everyone in between with no real predictable rhyme or reason, a disease that tears apart families and changes lives forever.

And it it's not that I'm afraid to get cancer, because while that would be an immense trial, it couldn't even compare to the pain of losing a family member, a child, a parent, a spouse prematurely, or even just watching them suffer like that. I like to tell myself that I am a very strong person, equipped to handle any trial that comes my way, and I do know that I could overcome anything with a lot of help. But I don't know how I would handle something like that. It would be incredibly difficult, and it scares me, because it's a reality for so many people in the world.

My heart goes out to anyone who has suffered from or watched a loved one suffer or pass away. I admire your strength and your ability to overcome.

Back by popular demand... My favorite sounds

1. Lawnmowers and lawn equipment
2. Birds chirping
3. My mom singing
4. Doorbells
5. A single strum over the strings of a well-tuned guitar
6. Ducks quacking
7. Wind through pine trees
8. Gravel crunching under car tires
9. Waves beating the beach
10. Digital THX sound at the beginning of movies... :)

My favorite smells

1. Freshly cut grass
2. Campfire smoke
3. Coconut
4. Bubblegum lip gloss
5. Fresh chocolate chip cookies
6. Roast beef
7. Cologne
8. Hyacinth flowers
9. Freshly laundered sheets
10. Yellowstone/sulfur smell (I know, weird, huh?)

This time last year

I was thinking today about this time last year, and how things have changed in the course of a year. Last April I was so scared. I was scared of finals, scared of moving home, scared I'd not have any friends all summer, scared what it would be like living at home again, scared I wouldn't be able to do as much with Ryan, scared of working full time all summer, and scared most of all of the uncertain things in my future, like Ryan leaving on his mission, and wondering what it would be like and how life would change. I spent so much time being scared that many of the really good memories from springtime last year are tinted with it, because it was always there with me.

Now, I look at this year, and I think, am I as scared? It's been almost a year since Ryan left, and yeah, life has changed, and it's different, but it isn't bad, in fact, it's far from it. Moving home wasn't bad at all. I had and still have plenty of friends. Finals weren't anything like I thought they would be - they weren't bad at all. Working full time was one of the biggest blessings once Ryan left, because it kept me busy.

Life changes. Sometimes it's scary. Most of the time you have no idea what to expect. Once again, I don't know what to expect. I haven't yet found a second job, I'm facing a semester abroad, but when I really think about it, I'm not really scared. It's actually a really weird feeling to not be afraid of the unknown. But even if I don't get another job, even if the summer is long and boring, even if Spain is crazy and scary, I'm not afraid. I'm just excited! Life is too short to waste it being afraid. I feel light, and happy, and most of all free.

You know what's weird? I think the last ten months passed faster than any other ten months of my life. It's frightening sometimes how short life really is. Never ever waste a single moment!

Potential

What do you despise or like most about people?

A friend of mine asked me that today, and while he was just saying it as a casual comment, it made me stop and think.

I think I would have to say their potential. I love to look at someone, imperfect and mortal as they are, and recognize that they, too, are a child of Heavenly Father and have the potential to become something amazing. I'm sad when I look at those who can't understand their own potential and truly believe that they cannot succeed.

What if everyone in the world looked at one another and saw not what they were, but what they could be? Isn't that heaven, right there?

Dreams

Should you sacrifice everything to reach your dreams, or should you change your dreams to be more realistic, especially when you know you'll be happy either way?

I don't know.

Well, even though nobody really reads my blog, I still spend my sleeping time writing on it. The craziness of me.

Today I got together with some friends and started planning our post-study abroad travels. If all goes as planned, by next Christmas I will have seen Spain, London, Stonehenge, Bath, Paris, Vienna, and Rome, plus a lot of countryside in between from train windows. While it'll cost a bit and be a sacrifice, maybe even of living in Provo for a semester, it's going to be worth it. I'm SO excited!

Tres Elegante...

Tonight our ward had our "Grammys" presentation for the FHE group music video competition. Ours, a puppet version of Kiss the Girl, was awesomest, if I say so myself. The best part, though, was getting all dressed up and being escorted there by the best home teacher in the ward!

If today was your last day

So a girl I knew from high school, albeit not very well, has been diagnosed with cancer. And while she's not really my friend or anything, it still makes me think as I read her story and think about how life must seem to her right now. I spend so much of my time thinking about tomorrow, and the next day, and the next year, and the next ten years, worrying about this and that. How would it be to wonder if you would be alive for next Christmas? My life right now is, in a lot of ways, defined by how long until my best friend comes home again. How would it be to not be sure I would even be alive to see him again? While her cancer is very treatable and prospects seem to be good, it's still in advanced stages, and things are still uncertain for her.

I was still contemplating what this would be like when I watched conference today, and then President Monson's talk this morning hit me like a freight train. "Among all the facts of mortality, none is so certain as its end. Death comes to all."

It's true. Death, in this life, is inescapable. And I, for one, am not afraid of my own death. What scares me is the partings, the pain, the separation from those who go before me and those I leave behind at my own passing. But because of that day nearly 2,000 years ago that we celebrated just today, death is not the end. Because Christ sacrificed himself and then rose again that Easter morning, we, too, can rise again. Death is not the end. Rather, like every change, it is simply the beginning of something new.

President Monson also said, "To understand death, we must appreciate the purpose of life." Life isn't everything. The life I live day by day right now isn't all there is to it. This life is the time to prepare to meet God, to prepare to become something bigger, and when you look at it that way, death is a lot like high school graduation. If you've done your best and march across the stage with your head held high, doors will open and a universe of possibilities lay before you.

My goal is to live every day of my life as if it were my last; to treasure every blissful moment, to throw myself into every new experience whole-heartedly. Then, when all is said and done, I hope to pass through the veil of death with a smile, knowing that I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith, and a crown of righteousness awaits me on the other side.

Her Diamonds

She shuts out the night
Tries to close her eyes
If she can find daylight
She'll be alright
She'll be alright
Just not tonight.

And she says ooohhh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cause I can't help her now
She's down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down.

I really, really like this song. Sometimes it's okay to not be okay. Some things take time.

Where is your heart?

If you could take one thing from a burning building, assuming all the people and pets were safe, what would you take?

I think the answer to that question tells a lot about a person. It shows where their heart is, what their priorities are, what's most important to them. "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." So what would you take?

I don't know what I would take. So many things have meaning to me. A photo album of pictures, maybe. My scriptures. My journal. Of course, then there's the more practical side, like my laptop, or my wallet. I really don't know.

Isn't it nice that when you die, you can't take any of it with you? You don't have to sit and think about what object in your house or life is most important to you, because in the end all that really matters is what's inside, what's in your heart. And nothing, not even burning buildings or death, can take that away from you.

But still, what would you take?