But when someone informs me the skill I most pride myself on in my job needs work because I sent an email that sounded rude, and then gives me remedial lessons in sending courteous emails, I feel like giving up.
When I go to class and find out I might fail, just like that, for missing a homework assignment I didn't feel comfortable doing, I feel like quitting.
When I rearrange the budget spreadsheet for the hundredth time and it still shows the same numbers, I want to quit.
When I discover an error in a spreadsheet that I worked and worked and worked on, I just want to give up.
When I open my planner and the millions of things I have to somehow accomplish swim in front of my eyes, and my head starts pounding and all I can think about is how I can't possibly get all of this done along with all the other things that I have to do, and then I arrive at home to more to-do lists and more things I'm failing in, and I look at that budget sheet and that April graduation date on the calendar and wonder for the millionth time what in the world I am going to do to make it all work out right... I just want to give up then. I want to crawl under the down comforter on our bed and hide between our shiny sheets and cover my head with a pillow and pretend the whole entire world doesn't exist and it's just me in my little dark cocoon and nobody can tell me what to do, when to do it, what time to be there, or that I'm doing a bad job at it, because inevitably something falls through the cracks and I can never please everybody, all at once, in everything I have to do, and if I can't please everybody, then I can't please myself, and maybe if I hide under the covers it will all go away and take care of itself and I can come out in a couple hundred years and everyone will have forgotten what a terrible failure I was at life in October 2012, and maybe they won't mind that I didn't know what to do after graduation, and they won't care that I sent an email that offended the secretaries, and they won't laugh at me for messing up spreadsheets all the time, and they'll smile and tell me that I'm doing a good job at life and maybe then I'll actually believe them because right now I really just don't.
And that is why today I want so bad to be a quitter.
You can do it though! You can't do it perfectly, and you can't do it all right now - but that's ok. We're meant to die with a full inbox. But if you ever need an "I need to forget about life for a few minutes' sort of party, let me know - those are sometimes very needed- and totally great too :) I love you dear! Regardless of if you graduate or balance or your spreadsheets or always send nice emails or not :)
ReplyDeleteI think you are wonderful. That's all. :)
ReplyDelete