Back to December

 Vivre la Vie - December, 2012.

Restless Energy

Wake up.
4 a.m.
Sleep.
Wake.
Sleep.
Sleep.
Alarm.
Awake...
Snooze.
Awake...
Sleep.
Alarm.
Late.
Jump up.
Get ready.
Stress. Hurry. Walk fast.
Sit.
Stand up.
Sit.
Stare.
Sit.
Run to class.
Eat.
Sit.
Focus... what?
Sit.
Stare.
Tap pencil.
Sew.
Unpick.
Sew.
Unpick.
Tap foot.
Watch clock.
Mind wanders.
Walk home.
Sit.
Stare.
Eat.
Sit.
Walk around.
Sit.
Think.
Check phone.
Sit.
Think.
Sit.
Stare.

I'm going CRAZY! I can't focus on ANYTHING! My mind is just all over the place today for no apparent reason. Early onset insanity? Possibly.

Viva la... what? Oh yeah. Vida.

Discipleship

In my linguistics class, we've been talking about morphemes. Morphemes are the smallest unit of language that holds meaning. We often think of them as roots or suffixes or prefixes.

I've been wading through the New Testament in my personal scripture study the last few months. I love the four gospels, but Paul's words tend to wash right over my head. But one thing stood out to me as I was reading in the gospels. Christ refers to his followers as "disciples." According to the dictionary, a disciple is a follower, student, learner, apprentice, or pupil.

I have often wondered what it means to truly be a disciple of Christ. I think the answer to that question is a lifelong question. I don't expect to ever master the concept in this life. However, while contemplating morphemes the other day in class, I realized that "disciple" has the same root as the word "discipline." That means that the two words are related.

Isn't it true? Part of following Christ and being a disciple of Him is obeying his commandments - and all the commandments require discipline. It takes work and practice and self-control to emulate Him in all that we do. Those who practice an instrument or play a sport understand the discipline it takes to keep going even when it's hard, to do something over and over and over so many times until it becomes a habit, second nature, if you will. They understand the practical application of discipline in both body and mind to be able to keep going even when all you want to do is quit. Is it not the same with the gospel? Some habits are hard to break, and others are even harder to form - but, as the instrumentalists and the athletes can attest, once the task is mastered, the rewards far outweigh the pain and stress and difficulty and discipline it took to get there.

I know that's true. I know it's worth it. Sometimes, it takes an inhuman amount of discipline to keep doing everything I know I should. Sometimes it seems so much easier to quit, to stop trying to keep my temper in check, to keep getting up early to read my scriptures, to keep remembering the purpose of my fast, to keep working on myself as a person and trying to grow. But it is SO worth it. It's worth it every day when I kneel at my bedside and feel the incredible love of a Heavenly Father wrapping all around me, encouraging me to keep going. It's worth it when I stop and recognize the hundreds of blessings, both big and small, that are showered upon me in the most unexpected ways. It's worth it when I remember the promises made to me in blessings and in the temple, and knowing that someday, somehow, everything will be made right, that all the frustrating inconsistencies of this life will be resolved, that relationships will be made perfect, that loved ones will be cared for, and that no matter what, I can always access the love of a Heavenly Father, who is God, who knows me and loves me and supports my righteous efforts.

That's worth all the discipline in the world. Being a disciple is more than talking about following Christ. It's truly syncing my life with His and being like Him.

Viva la Vida.

What makes me HAPPY!

~* getting a new recipe I'm excited to try out

~* translating - even "boring" linguistics textbooks

~* my new job - it's addicting! I love emailing people and getting stuff done and stuff. awesome .

~* writing crazy high-school style blog posts with no capitalization, and being like, YEAH take THAT English teachers, I am not in an English class right now and I can do what I want with IMPROPER CAPITALIZATION! (why yes, I am in a rebellious mood at the moment, and this is how it comes out :)

~* my sisters-in-law . i am so very, very sad they all live so far away, except for the newlywed one . the wedding weekend was the best!

~* my new jeans - bought with said sisters-in-law - *see above *

~* my sewing class - just chillaxin' in the sewing lab making cute clothes 4 hours a week . cool.

~* hanging out at work and talking to my mom about all sorts of things

~* skiing - and going down adventurous hills (for me) and rocking at it .

~* stalking cute wedding pictures on facebook . people are so cute .

~* writing blogs that are NOTHING like my typical blog-writing style .

~* watching Ryan study and cheering insanely with him when he aces quizzes - and being home to do it .

~* watching Raising Hope (i know, it shouldn't make me laugh... but it does. man. the addiction power of tv.)

~* looking at pictures from Ryan's mission and remembering our awesome trip to visit it!

~*seeing the eiffel tower and being like, oh yeah, i went there . nbd .

~* pretending to translate my senior project while really listening to THIS:

I was born in the wrong decade.

Mamma Mia - Abba

Take a Chance - Abba

Our Mexican dance - the version that works :)

If you missed it... *shame on you* ...this is the Mexican dance that I was in for Christmas Around the World this past weekend. I love folk dance :) 

Bees and Seas

For several semesters -like six, or seven maybe - I've been chasing the elusive Dean's List semester. In my college, that means taking at least 14 credits and getting straight A's. I've come SO close on several occasions, but I always end up with that one class that comes in just under the A mark. (Of course, Ryan got one last winter without even trying... or caring... or even knowing what it is... It's still on our fridge, reminding me daily of my bad luck and lack of scholastic competence.)

This was going to be THE semester - since it's my last semester where I'll have at least 14 credits. However, I have that one professor whose tests are very applied and his lectures are very philosophical. I have that one class where the professor wants us to read his mind and who grades on an impossibly picky scale. I have that other class where there are outside required events that my schedule won't let me attend, and so I'm crossing my fingers that the teacher remembers that we talked about it and doesn't change their mind at the last second and dock my grade. I have that other one class where I keep thinking I'm doing great and then the test scores come in and I'm average, or worse.

All in all, it looks like my five-year-long goal of making the Dean's List might die with my April graduation, fly into the air with all the other caps, and disappear, never to be reached. Despite my best efforts, it might be a semester of B's and maybe even C's, and that elusive letter congratulating me on academic success and scholastic prowess probably won't ever appear on my doorstep.

Quitter

I'm not normally a quitter. I usually enjoy challenges and love the sense of accomplishment from overcoming something hard.

But when someone informs me the skill I most pride myself on in my job needs work because I sent an email that sounded rude, and then gives me remedial lessons in sending courteous emails, I feel like giving up.

When I go to class and find out I might fail, just like that, for missing a homework assignment I didn't feel comfortable doing, I feel like quitting.

When I rearrange the budget spreadsheet for the hundredth time and it still shows the same numbers, I want to quit.

When I discover an error in a spreadsheet that I worked and worked and worked on, I just want to give up.

When I open my planner and the millions of things I have to somehow accomplish swim in front of my eyes, and my head starts pounding and all I can think about is how I can't possibly get all of this done along with all the other things that I have to do, and then I arrive at home to more to-do lists and more things I'm failing in, and I look at that budget sheet and that April graduation date on the calendar and wonder for the millionth time what in the world I am going to do to make it all work out right... I just want to give up then. I want to crawl under the down comforter on our bed and hide between our shiny sheets and cover my head with a pillow and pretend the whole entire world doesn't exist and it's just me in my little dark cocoon and nobody can tell me what to do, when to do it, what time to be there, or that I'm doing a bad job at it, because inevitably something falls through the cracks and I can never please everybody, all at once, in everything I have to do, and if I can't please everybody, then I can't please myself, and maybe if I hide under the covers it will all go away and take care of itself and I can come out in a couple hundred years and everyone will have forgotten what a terrible failure I was at life in October 2012, and maybe they won't mind that I didn't know what to do after graduation, and they won't care that I sent an email that offended the secretaries, and they won't laugh at me for messing up spreadsheets all the time, and they'll smile and tell me that I'm doing a good job at life and maybe then I'll actually believe them because right now I really just don't. 

And that is why today I want so bad to be a quitter.