So tonight after a long conversation, one of my good friends told me I was so strong.
After all, I spend time at home, I redo rooms of the house, I paint, I sew, I teach relief society, I cook occasionally, I clean up backyards, I take care of flowers, I have lunch with friends, I refinish furniture, I work 40 hours a week, I write to missionaries, I sketch, I play the guitar, I have deep conversations with friends, I go to bridal showers, I do pretty much everything. I'm some kind of warped LDS version of superwoman.
She's wrong. I'm not strong.
I set ridiculous goals for myself. Like to pay off a 7000 dollar loan in nine months. To read the entire book of mormon in Spanish in a month. To singlehandedly demolish four sheds, remove the materials, level the yard, build flowerbeds, tear out bamboo, and plant grass in one summer of weekends. To rebuild a broken relationship all at once. To be perfect, I guess. Isn't that what I'm supposed to be doing anyway? Working toward being perfect?
I haven't met any of those goals. And I won't. I can't. It's simply not humanly possible. But when I don't meet them, I tell myself it's okay, but somewhere inside I feel like I failed just when it was most important. And so to make myself feel better, I reset the goals, along with others, just for good measure. And pretty soon I'm caught in a cycle of failure and restarts and a lot of impossible expectations.
I'm actually pretty proud of the last year of my life. I met a lot of goals. I learned a lot of things. And don't get me wrong, I'm a very happy person. But still somehow it's never enough for me. There's always something I didn't do, something I failed at. Maybe that's the way I deal with stress - setting high goals and racing toward them, even when I know I'll crash and burn and fail miserably. It's the one thing I can control - myself, and what I do. When there's things that happen that I have no control over, I prove that I can control myself and my own life. I'm on a crusade to prove myself so people will say, See? All that going on in her life, and yet she's got it all together, never falls apart for a minute, look at how amazing she is.
I'm not strong. Insane maybe, yes. But not strong.
Depends on your definition of strength. You may not succeed at everything you reach for, and you may not accomplish everything you set out to do... but despite failure and obstacles and people all pushing against you, somehow you keep going and pushing and trying your best. And when life kicks you in the butt and you fall down and are hurting, you somehow find the courgae and strength to stand back up and keep going. I think that's what she was probably thinking about when she told you that you are strong.
ReplyDeleteSo I don't think your friend was as wrong as you think.
“There is something you must always remember: you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think… but the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.” ~Winnie the Pooh
I love you! Even if you are insane ;)
Haha don't be too hard on yourself. In my opinion, as long as you are better today than you were yesterday, and you continually work towards a goal, it will be ok. Listen to Krystal, she's smart :)
ReplyDeleteI love you too Jen! Let me know if you need anything. You really are strong. Sure, there's always something we could be doing better, but that's kinda the point, no one is perfect. <3