October Occurences

October was a fun month full of fun activities, a few ups and downs, and a lot of anxiousness to get to November (and then December).

Ryan and I hardly ever take pictures. Sorry.
Here's one that we did take. October was full of football. Some of the games have been a lot of fun, and others were fairly boring. Jen might have actually fallen asleep in the stadium during one of them... but that's secret. Shhh.

We also got our engagement pictures taken with Abby Alger. This was a lot of fun, and our pictures turned out absolutely beautiful! We love them. We're almost ready to submit our announcement for printing - it's getting closer!

We've had a lot of fun and also a lot of chances to get to understand each other better. I'm marrying the most humble, patient, loving, and committed man in the world. Needless to say, we're both looking forward to finish being engaged and be able to go forward with married life without the stress of planning a wedding, get through school, spend enough time with each other, balance all our other commitments and relationships, and figure out how to live in this sometimes-frustrating in-between stage. I fully endorse short engagements - by the time we arrive at the temple we will have been engaged almost four months, and it already feels like an an eternity, full of opportunities to become stressed and frustrated. We're looking forward to REAL eternity together. It won't be without its challenges, either - but it will be nice to be able to face them side by side.

Coming up in November: Bridal showers, lots of licking and sealing (announcements, not lollipops...sadly enough...), more football, dance practices for Jen and a Physics project for Ryan, Thanksgiving break, renting an apartment, finalizing the wedding plans, and many more hours together!

The beauty of words

They open the book and see the first word, and like a stream of two-dimensional characters, the story comes to life in one long reel, the words tick-tick-ticking along like a steady stream of subtitles below a paper-doll-like chain of actions. And the pictures, in faded color and shades of gray, move jerkily forward, dragging their reader alongside like an unfortunate packhorse tied to a slowly moving wagon.

But I can see the page. Over their shoulder, I can see the words they're reading, with their forehead scrunched in concentration, their lips almost moving as they dwell, torturously, on each word, almost as if they're pronouncing it, rolling it around in their mouth before letting it go, concentrating on each noun and verb and preposition so hard that the meaning is painfully squeezed out of it like juice from a lemon, splattering them in the face and dripping stickily to the floor.

I can see those words, but as I look, craning my neck, they seem to leap from the page, spinning round and round like a vortex opening to swallow me whole. I see the letters leap from the dull, white pages and rearrange themselves, forming themselves into a story, a three-dimensional picture as rich and colorful as a movie, but surrounding me, covering me from head to toe in a shimmer of meaning.

My surroundings fade to gray as I tumble headlong into the story. No longer do the words march slowly on like apples on a conveyor belt, but instead they leap forward, triggering action and movement and color and sound, all around me, and suddenly I am no longer an observer, but a player, as the story unfolds around me. I jump as I hear the thunderclaps, and my eyes fill with tears as the heroine lays her sister to rest in the cold, frozen earth. The mountains tower above me, and I emerge from the bus, blinking in the summer light, searching for the man in the white top hat. I speed through the night, devouring the words, phrases, sentences, paragraphs, turning page after page as the train speeds toward the twisted break in the track, my heart filled with terror for the passengers trapped on board. And when the words hold me back, I free myself from the words, my eyes searching only for the continuation of the story, leaving the articles and the prepositions and even some of the nouns behind. I thirst for meaning, and when the story finally reaches its climax and winds to a close, my heart pounds more slowly, my breathing quiets, and my hands tremble as I turn the last pages of the story, which finally releases me from the spell, and I blink in mild surprise to see my nondescript surroundings. The book lays innocently on my lap, the adventure bound quietly between the two stiff covers, waiting for me to come back, to once again venture between its pages, where lies an infinite realm of possibilities.

Heart mapping

Today in class, we had a third grade teacher come and give us a mock lesson.

We did an activity called heart mapping.

Basically it involved drawing a heart with a circle inside, and then a smaller circle inside the circle.

In the innermost circle, we put the things that mean the very most to us, like family, friends, testimony... etc.

In the outer circle, we put things we really love. Then, between the heart and the first circle, we put things we like.
Then we picked something and wrote about it. It was amazing to see how much more the writing activity meant when it was something I cared about.

But more than that, I pondered on the activity. Heart mapping. How does one map their heart? What paths do I go along, what things do I climb over to get to the things I love the most? What defenses do I have to get through to get to my most precious things, or is my heart open to anyone? Does my heart have a big "Welcome" mat on the porch, or is it locked up tight with me inside, hoping everyone will think I'm not home?

And more than that... what's in my inner circle? I can make a list. But do the people and things I say are in my inner circle actually receive enough attention and emphasis that they know they're in my inner circle?

Just something to think about.
Viva la Vida.

Tuesday is the new Friday

After all, Monday is so long that you pretty much need a weekend by the time you stagger, gasping, to the end of Tuesday. Wednesday? Pffff.... overrated.... :)

Last night Ryan and I silently and mutually decided that Tuesday night needed to be extra special. After all, it's going to be a long, rainy week.
So we went for a walk.
And we split a J-Dawg. It was my very first J-Dawg. I do not like the special sauce. It was not special. But the experience (and the person I was with) were extra-special. So that made up for the non-specialness of the special sauce.
And we got frozen yogurt with crazy toppings, and we even managed to not pay all of our arms and legs and only half of our firstborn children for it.
And then we sat on a hill and enjoyed each other's company and froze to death while eating the yogurt (well, I did anyway) and we probably made all the people coming out of the building opposite us feel awkward, what with the yogurt-eating couple staring at them as they walk down the sidewalk.
And then we watched PSYCH and finished season 2.
All in all, it was an excellent Friday night date. Actually, Tuesday night date. We've heard it both ways. :)

Happy New Year

Today is the first day of a brand new year.

I know, you're confused. "New Year's isn't until January 1st! It's only September 27th!"
But, when you think about it, a new year starts every single day. Each day of our lives we're given the opportunity to start fresh, to set goals, to make resolutions, and to leave the past behind as we face forward with a new hope for the future.

Ryan likes to tell me I'm perfect. And when he does, it makes me smile. I think about how lucky I am to have such an amazing man think so highly of me. However, we've instead adopted the phrase "You're perfect for me" in lieu of calling each other perfect. Because, let's face it, as much as we'd all like to be perfect, none of us are. Only our Savior, Jesus Christ, came to earth and lived a perfect life. The rest of us struggle. We have failings and shortcomings. Sometimes our mistakes are small, and sometimes they're big. But we all have them. Myself included.

One of my favorite songs talks about how "the person who I've been lately isn't who I want to be." I think everyone sings these lyrics to themselves at one point or another in their life. I sometimes look back at a day or a week or even a month and think, "That's not who I am. That's not how I act. I'm better than that." And it can be incredibly disheartening to realize that I've spent so much time living far below my potential as a daughter of God.

I was thinking about that this morning, thinking about all the times I've been unkind, or judged harshly, and all the times I've made excuses for myself when I didn't do everything I knew I should. And I started feeling pretty down about it.

And then I remembered something my mission prep teacher said two years ago. He told us that repentance and forgiveness is literally becoming a new person. Just like starting a new year every day, repentance allows us to start over at the beginning - just as if it had never happened and we had been perfect all along. And once I repent, all of my frustration and shortness is gone, because that was the old me, and this is the new me.

I remember in class thinking that that was kind of weird, and I didn't quite get the concept of forgiving and forgetting - especially forgiving myself. But the more I come to understand about the Atonement, the more I know that it's true. "Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more." (Doctrine & Covenants 58:42) If the Lord forgives and forgets my sins and moves on, who am I to refuse to do so as well?

President Holland gave one of my all-time favorite talks at BYU one year - and it's one that still makes me cry every time I read it. As he said:

Forgive, and do that which is harder than to forgive. Forget. And when it comes to mind, forget it again.... Dismiss the destructive and keep dismissing it, until the beauty of the Atonement of Christ has revealed to you your bright future, and the bright future of your family and your friends and your neighbors. God doesn't care nearly as much about where you have been as He does about where you are, and with His help, where you are willing to go. That is the thing Lot's wife didn't get. This is an important matter to consider at the start of a new year ‐‐ and every day ought to be the start of a new year and a new life. Such is the wonder of faith and repentance and the miracles of the Gospel
of Jesus Christ.

So happy new year! I stand forever grateful for my Savior - who suffered so that I could have a clean slate, and when I mess up again, as I almost inevitably will, so that I could have another one. And one day we'll be able to stand with Him and see just how far we've come, all thanks to His infinite love and sacrifice.

Viva la Vida.

Day Zero #13 - Run in an official race/event

Kokopelli.

That's a fun word to say. It happened Saturday down in St George. Friday we (me, Ryan, Ryans' brother and sister and brother's brother-in-law and his parents) packed up and went down to St. George. After checking in and getting our numbers written all over us in Sharpie (NOT my favorite part of running in a triathlon!) we went out to eat, all ordered too much food (apparently because we were about to run a race we all thought we could eat more? go figure) and then went to bed.

We all woke up bright and early (correction: I was already awake, having had nightmares about oversleeping and missing the entire thing and losing my shoes - who knows where that came from) and we headed down to the state park. There were like half a bazillion people there, it was crazy. We set everything up and got all ready.

The swim was first, and I was the first of our group to start, since I was doing the sprint distance instead of the regular Olympic length. I was super nervous... but when I jumped in the water, I got really excited, especially since my wetsuit was practically keeping me afloat, and keeping all the water out. The wetsuit practically pushed me the whole time, and sand hollow reservoir is PERFECT for swimming in! I loved it. I finished the swim in the middle of my group - 24 minutes. Not great, but it's a personal best.

Getting out of the water after the swim

The bike and run were after that... nothing too exciting, the bike course was insane, there was this GIANT hill that wanted to kill everyone, curse whoever decided the race course should be over that hill... but I made it, and then the run wasn't too hard. However, at the end you had to run up this hill. Then at the top, people start cheering for you, just because they're nice like that. So me, being excited and all, decide to sprint to the finish. But unfortunately, I started my sprint WAY too soon... and had to take it back a few notches before I actually crossed the line.

Yeah. This is how I felt by the time I was almost to the end.

And then I noticed the photographer right there taking pictures of me. So I smiled, that seemed like the appropriate thing to do. And then it clicked that I had just FINISHED a triathlon and then my smile was for real. Awesome.

Crossing the finish line

It was definitely an experience to remember, and maybe to repeat... We'll see!

Ryan and I after finishing. I'm marrying a triathlete :)

I should be doing homework...

But.... it's not as fun as...

Wedding dress? Check!
Furniture for apartment? Check!
Colors picked? Check!
Food for reception decided upon? Mostly check!

Aaaaand that's about as far as I've gotten. Oh snap. Three months :)

Aaaaaaaaaaannnnd if it's not too much trouble, I'd just like to say that while being engaged has its frustrating times, when you just wish like heck that time would hurry up already... knowing that I'm going to get to spend eternity with the guy I fell in love with nearly four years ago is the most amazing feeling in the world. I'm so lucky, and so happy!

And if you're tired of reading about how head over heels in love I am, you can take a refreshing break and watch this video here: