Summer memories

Today all I can think about is picnics - blankets spread out on the green grass at the park, half in the shade, half in the sun, my toes reaching into the blades of grass and feeling the warm earth underneath. Watermelon - at the perfect stage, juicy and crisp, no strings in it, definitely lots of seeds, there may or may not be a very unladylike seed spitting contest at this picnic. Maybe some lemonade, or a cold can of Sprite. The sky is so blue that you could almost fall into it, and a few puffy white clouds float around and make funny shapes in the blue expanse above. Across the park, a mom pushes her daughter in the swing, who squeals and giggles as she flies through the air. The nearby creek spills down its bed, making a happy creeky noise as it rushes by. There's a lazy sort of feeling in the air, the kind of feeling that makes you want to lie on your back and stare at the clouds forever.

I was also thinking about my high school friends today. Summer after senior year, playing fugitive every weekend. Dressing all in black, sneaking through fields and bushes and backyards, sometimes hiding under cars and behind garbage cans to avoid being seen. Bonfires and marshmallow roasting, secret circles, basketball, game nights, movies. We all just couldn't wait to grow up and move on, live our own lives, have new experiences.

I kind of miss the old ones sometimes. But life moves on, summer fades to fall, people grow up and move away, and everything changes. Life's just like that, I guess. Enjoy the moments while they last, because soon they'll be gone, and all that's left is a memory, locked deep inside your heart.

I love folk dance

THIS MUCH!

i love my team!

Not thirteen anymore

So today not one, not two, but three people confused me for a freshman.

Yesterday in class someone expressed surprise that I was a junior and almost 21 years old.

A week ago at a folk dance party I was talking to a boy who asked how I liked my first year of college. I told him this is my third year, I'm a junior. He was blown away. I asked him if he was a freshman, he said, "Yeah..." and not ten seconds later excused himself and disappeared into the crowd.

I don't know why this bothers me so much, but it really does. I hate looking years younger than I am. For some reason it makes me feel less capable and less confident. I've tried different hairstyles, different makeup, everything I can think of - but I still look young.

Last year I volunteered at a high school student language bowl on campus, and I got confused for one of the high school students. I was with a group of new friends from a class, and it was a super embarrassing experience. And every time it happens, I inevitably find myself in a bathroom less than half an hour later, staring desperately into the mirror wondering what I'm doing wrong. I really hate that feeling and hate criticizing myself when there's really nothing I can do about it, but the comments just give me a sick and frustrated feeling inside.

And if one more person follows up their mistake with, "Oh, but you'll be so glad to look young when you're forty!" I just might explode...

My source of power

I've been thinking a lot about my last post. And then I read this quote that goes right along with it:

"Recognize that there is a power greater than ours, that no matter how good a man is, he is not good enough, that no matter how wise he is, he is not wise enough, that no matter how strong he is, he is not strong enough for all of the things which he will face in life, and that there is a source of power to which he can go with the assurance that he will be listened to and that there will be a response." - President Gordon B. Hinckley

There you have it. Hold your head high, because somebody stronger is there on your side.

In His Hands

We always say that the Lord will never place upon us any trial or challenge that we are unable to bear.

That's not true. Sometimes He does. Sometimes we aren't strong enough to make it through the trial.

Not alone, anyway.

Ether 12:27: "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

Sometimes when it looks like there isn't any light at the end of the tunnel, it's because there isn't. Sometimes when we think we'll never make it through a particular trial, it's because we won't. Sometimes when it seems things will never get better, it's because they aren't going to. Not unless we accept the fact that we can't do it on our own, and turn to the Lord for help, submitting ourselves to His will and allowing Him to show us the way.
Sometimes that's hard, because it requires letting go of a lot of stubborn pride. Sometimes things still don't work out the way we expect them to. But they will work out; if we place our faith in Him and His power.

D&C 84:88: "And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."

The Fairytale Boundary

Ever wondered where the border between fairytales and real life is?

It manifests itself in life, friendships, and relationships at the very moment when things stop being ideal and start being real.

Face it; life is real. People are human. This world isn't perfect. At some point, the perfectly timed and coordinated ideal life or relationship falls apart because something happens, or someone messes up, or by the mere fact that the people involved are human and subject to occasional error. And the fairytale falls apart.

This is the part they don't usually show in movies - and if they do, they have it all resolve and work out all perfect and beautiful, even more fairytale-like than it was before. Unfortunately, real life isn't that scripted. Sometimes people mess up and things fall apart and they don't get resolved for a while, and when they do, the patch is messy and smeared and unattractive - not the cute, perfect story you would write in your journal and draw pink hearts around.

The border between fairytales and real life is a bittersweet boundary. You can put yourself in denial and stay on one side of that line, resist crossing it, close your eyes to reality and hope that things will just stay perfect forever. But they won't, and sooner or later you'll open your eyes and realize you've been kidding yourself this whole time, and you'll probably end up with a whole lot of disillusionment and disappointment.

Or you can look at it another way. In the story of Lehi's dream, the people traveling toward the beautiful tree had to cross a mist of darkness first. It was messy. It was dark. It wasn't fun, and there were many tears shed. But those who persevered, who stuck it out, who recognized that life is messy and hard and sometimes hurts, those are the ones who reached their destination. And when they did, they were real people, full of real emotions, feelings, having experienced joy and pain, loss and love, trial and blessing. These were those who had suffered and come out greater because of it, who had learned to repent, and learned to forgive, who had learned to find joy in the journey.

"Life IS pain, Princess." said Wesley in The Princess Bride. "Anyone who tells you differently is selling something."

Like movie makers, perhaps? Those who would exploit our need for happiness, even at the cost of real life, these are those who sell us the idea that life is a fairytale, and it should be perfect, and the people in our lives should be perfect, and we should be perfect, too. No wonder divorce rates rise, depression and dissatisfaction percentages rise, suicide rates rise. We've forgotten that crossing the fairytale boundary, though painful, and sometimes more than a little scary, brings real joy, lasting joy, and changes you for the better. The kind of joy when you disagree with that loved one, and then you make up and come to better appreciate one another because of it. The kind of joy when you realize that some dreams simply won't come true, no matter what you do, but that there is much life to be lived even if they don't. The kind of joy that comes from letting go when it's time to let go, and holding on, even when you don't want to, or it's hard, or people tell you to just give up, or mock your conviction. This is the real world, the one we live in, the one that we're a part of.

The fairytale boundary is scary. It's a cross-me-at-your-own-risk sort of line. It's got warning signs that say Pain, Trials, Disappointment, and Hurt ahead. But beyond the first hills, there's something waiting. Something to become. Something to learn. Something to experience. And on the other side of the fairytale boundary is joy beyond anything the fairytale world could even hope to mimic.

And that's what they call a true happily ever after.

I'm grateful for my friends

I am so grateful for the friends I've made throughout my life. They're in all parts of the world doing all different things right now, but there's so many people who've left footprints on my heart. To them, I say thank you, for helping me become the person I am today. I wouldn't be me without you.

I love this girl more than words!

best friend. ever.