Interviews

So applying for jobs is pretty much my definition of the misery, because I hate all situations where I have to try to make myself look good. But if the whole application process is misery, job interviews are the absolute pits.
It all starts when you spend two hours staring at your closet trying to decide what the best outfit would be that would make you look like you'd fit at their company or office. Then you spend more hours memorizing every detail of the job description, practicing in front of the mirror, writing power statements, reading your resume...
Then you go to the interview and sit there and sweat while they ask you ridiculous questions, and then you leave and you don't get the job anyway because they decide you didn't answer their questions as directly and fluidly and confidently as the next guy, never mind the fact that you're more qualified for the actual job.
I get really stressed in interviews, even though most of the time I have a pretty cool head, so it's unfortunate that people typically base their decision to hire on the interviews. Usually after an interview I a) burst into tears, b) call my mom and burst into tears, c) sit on a bench until I don't feel lightheaded and sick to my stomach anymore, or d) all of the above.
Let's just say I wish that we would chuck interviews out the window and find a less intense way to determine who would be the best candidate for the job. I feel sick just thinking about it.

In the news

Taylor Swift is going to release a new album. The new single is available on itunes I think now.

I'm EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!

What I'm grateful for tonight

1. Wind. I love the sound of wind in the trees.
2. Inspiration. I just got my Relief Society lesson done, and I really feel like I had a lot of help pulling it all together.
3. Cheese. Ate a piece on my lunch break today.
4. SCHOOL. I cannot WAIT to get back in classes, I am SO excited about my major, I just want to get going and learning and studying again!
5. Escrituras. Scriptures, only in Spanish. It's an amazing experience reading in two languages.
6. Family. I love my mom :)
7. Pillows. My back would be very angry right now without the pillow I'm leaning on.
8. Ice cream. There's three kinds in my freezer right now...
9. Miracles. Like being able to go to Spain, and getting a scholarship, and being healthy, and having a job, and all of it!
10. My life. Every bit of it. The crazy, the boring, the happy, the sad, the lonely, and the stressed out busy times. It's mine, and I love it! Viva la vida :)

Not really superwoman.

So tonight after a long conversation, one of my good friends told me I was so strong.

After all, I spend time at home, I redo rooms of the house, I paint, I sew, I teach relief society, I cook occasionally, I clean up backyards, I take care of flowers, I have lunch with friends, I refinish furniture, I work 40 hours a week, I write to missionaries, I sketch, I play the guitar, I have deep conversations with friends, I go to bridal showers, I do pretty much everything. I'm some kind of warped LDS version of superwoman.

She's wrong. I'm not strong.

I set ridiculous goals for myself. Like to pay off a 7000 dollar loan in nine months. To read the entire book of mormon in Spanish in a month. To singlehandedly demolish four sheds, remove the materials, level the yard, build flowerbeds, tear out bamboo, and plant grass in one summer of weekends. To rebuild a broken relationship all at once. To be perfect, I guess. Isn't that what I'm supposed to be doing anyway? Working toward being perfect?

I haven't met any of those goals. And I won't. I can't. It's simply not humanly possible. But when I don't meet them, I tell myself it's okay, but somewhere inside I feel like I failed just when it was most important. And so to make myself feel better, I reset the goals, along with others, just for good measure. And pretty soon I'm caught in a cycle of failure and restarts and a lot of impossible expectations.

I'm actually pretty proud of the last year of my life. I met a lot of goals. I learned a lot of things. And don't get me wrong, I'm a very happy person. But still somehow it's never enough for me. There's always something I didn't do, something I failed at. Maybe that's the way I deal with stress - setting high goals and racing toward them, even when I know I'll crash and burn and fail miserably. It's the one thing I can control - myself, and what I do. When there's things that happen that I have no control over, I prove that I can control myself and my own life. I'm on a crusade to prove myself so people will say, See? All that going on in her life, and yet she's got it all together, never falls apart for a minute, look at how amazing she is.

I'm not strong. Insane maybe, yes. But not strong.

And they call the thing rodeo

So I went to the rodeo last night. It was definitely more fun than I remembered. I think I saw about 1300 cowboy hats while I was there. The best part was the little girl riding the sheep backwards in the mutton busting. And she won! It was pretty crazy.

The whole environment there reminded me that there's a big part of me that really hates city life. Sure, I've grown up in a city/town my whole life, my only experience with animals is cats and a very little bit of horseback riding, I'm not a farmer and not a cowgirl, and I'm okay with that. But there's still a part of me that dreams of having a horse for my best friend, living way out of town on acres of land, spending evenings galloping across the fields or winding down a trail in the hills on horseback, and wearing boots and jeans all days of the week. Sure, it's not all it's cracked up to be, especially in this day and age, but there's something liberating about that lifestyle. It's simpler, and in some ways it seems much closer to God and the spirit than our harried, polluted city lives. The wide open spaces and the animals remind me what this earth might have been like when it was created, and a part of me just longs to live that way.

Maybe someday I'll be able to live on a little bit of land, have some animals, preserve a little bit of that lifestyle for myself and my family. In the meantime, I'm content to dream. And maybe buy a cowboy hat.

Say goodbye to the playhouse... finally!

This weekend the Elder's Quorum came over and pulled down this building from our backyard - it used to be my playhouse/deck, but it was falling apart. They hooked a chain to a truck and after a couple attempts, it came crashing down! It was exciting - minus the guy who broke his leg... don't worry, he doesn't seem to mind that much. Which is strange to me, but I'm glad he's not too seriously injured and has such a great attitude about it.

Before ^
After v

The pile got bigger and bigger. It's about three times that size now, and they even took two huge trailer loads away.

Even the young men came and helped. And supposedly they're all coming again in a couple weeks to try to get some more done - this particular building was one of four other structures that have to come down. Yay for annhilating the yard as it currently exists! :D

The epic laundry room makeover

So here is a long overdue post about the painting project at my house... laundry room makeover. More pictures coming, of the walls, floor, etc... but for now, here's some random pictures of some of the furniture I painted, and also the Saturday wall-painting project with me and Cosette and Ashley. They were absolutely amazing to come and help! :)

My awesome painting friends :) I love these girls!

Yeah, it was exciting.

The two small cabinets - previously dark brown stain


One of the tall cabinets - previously dark brown paint

The cabinets - before.